Somewhere between the fantasy of who I’d like to be and the consequences of behaving as I do lies my true identity. I’m not sure exactly who that is, but I have a feeling I’d be a bit disappointed if I were to see him through the eyes of those around me. I know we’re not supposed to concern ourselves with other people’s perceptions, and I know that to compare oneself to others inevitably results in either envy or a sense of superiority – but, human as I am, I can’t help but do it. I can’t help but compare myself to everyone around me in a never-ending attempt at defining myself.
It’s like when you don’t know what a word you’ve stumbled across means, and you’re too lazy to look it up. So you rely on the second-best method of determining definition. You fall back onto context. Just read all the words around it, you tell yourself, and you’ll get a sense of what that pesky little unknown word means. Read the sentence as many times as it takes. If that doesn’t work, then read the whole paragraph – and maybe even the whole page – again and again. And in the event you don’t wind up with an idea as to what that pesky little word means, keep doing this. Do this again and again until you’re so familiar with everything around your question that you no longer actually question the question, but you start to question everything around it. Such is the nature of identity politics.
Ironically, we poor souls who have to search for self-definition by context are the lucky ones. Since we don’t have a ready-made sound byte that sums up our role in society, we have to look within the cracks. From time to time I’ve had the (mis)fortune of having a label: gay, queer, radical faerie, whore, party boy… But eventually, in accordance with the edict, “As soon as you define yourself as something, you’ve outlived it,” my labels have worn thin.
So I like to joke that “I’ve looked at _____ from both sides now.” (Fill in the blank. Gay, queer, radical faerie, party boy…) Which is to say that, even when I had a label to latch onto, I was still perouzing the context.
I’m not too sure if I can ever adequately describe the deflation that came with my recognizing that queer politics were ultimately identity politics, and that I just plain couldn’t anymore put much stock into a political (sub)structure that was based upon the notion of identity. Sure, all politics eventually boil down to an assertion of some identity (take, for example, America’s beloved preamble, “We, the people…” -- I mean, just who are “the people?”), but minority politics in particular rely on identities that are utterly not self-imposed. Minority politics are the politics of the “others,” and the others couldn’t exist without the powerstructure they’re trying to deconstruct, which defines their very “other-ness.” In fact, as queer politics have been so accurate in asserting, even the powerstructure relies upon everything that it is not to assert whatever it is. (E.g.: heterosexuality, instead of defining itself by what it is, insists upon defining iteslf by what it isn’t – as uttered by the straight male mantra, “I’m not gay.” ) Sleep only with members of the oppostite sex and you're surely hetero. But sleep with a member of your own sex, even once, and you're potentially gay forever -- no matter how much you might want to write it off as an "experiment." Is the converse the same for homosexuals? Hardly. Once gay, forever gay -- even if one starts bopping members of the opposite sex.
Shifty business, this business of identity. In a way, the minorities have it easier than those struggling to exist within the powerstructure. Once declared as black, Latin, Asian, female, gay, handicapped or any other multitude of sub-strata, one’s identity is sealed, as an ostensible “lesser-than.” And what are they “lesser” than? The powerstructure that so precariously defines itself by not being whatever it is that comprises its minorities.
PHEW! Am I the only one who’s getting tired of this misery-fest? Am I the only one who wants to reach beyond complaining about how bad it is to be “us” and strive to be whatever it is we – the human race – might be?
Despite my unfashionable intentions, the fashionable “lesser-than’s” proceed to construct entire identites and subsequent political movements based upon said identities – and for some reason, as far as I can see, they stop looking for any definition (or more importanly, context) beyond that which has labeled them “lesser-than.”
Somewhere between the fantasy of who these people think they are and the consequences of how they behave lies their true identity. Somewhere between the fantasy of who I’d like to be and the consequences of how I behave lies my true identity. My true identity, for now. Within this context. Which is a swimming-pool of minority politics. Which is a cesspool of identity politics.
I’m not destined to be a popular man. I’m not the next voice of the queer movement. I’m just a kooky white homosexual guy who’s been described as being “too smart for his own good.” That phrase fascinates me, because I’ve yet to truly understand what it means. It feels like a curse of some sort.
So if you want to know why I rely on sex, drugs and escapism, maybe now you have a better idea. Somewhere between my ideal self and the essence of my hedonism lies the man I might someday be. If only I could identify him. For a time.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Why Can't I Be THEM?
Successful people have no problem perpetuating whatever it is that makes them successful. Famous people don’t hesitate to create whatever they’re compelled to create. Geniuses, from what I’ve been able to conclude, have no choice but to indulge in obsessing on whatever it is they’re geniuses “at.”
I want to be either successful, famous, or a genius. I want to concern myself with only whatever my talents dictate I should be concerned – and nothing else.
Successful people would tell me that’s impossible – that I’d still have to make time for the gym, the diet, and all the other minutia that make up everyday life. Famous people would agree, but they'd probably be incapable of not reminding me that they no longer needed to tend to the minutia (they only need to focus - and I mean focus - on the gym and the diet). Only Geniuses would understand what I was trying to say, if only they were able to. But they’re too concerned with whatever they’re geniuses “at,” so they couldn’t possibly understand anything other than whatever it is they’re so busy understanding.
So what I’m presently blaming for my lack of achieving more, as a writer, is my bourgeois upbringing. I’ve been fighting it all my life. It’s probably less of a surprise to those of you who know me well than it is to me, because it shows so much on the outside while I continue to battle it on the inside. I’m addicted to comfort. I’m addicted to domestic stability. It’s a comfort and a stability the likes of which probably don’t even register on the “comfort/stability” scale compared to the sensibilities of the people I went to high school and college with, and it’s a comfort and stability that only requires a net monthly income of $2,500 (put THAT in your bourgeois hat and smoke it!), but it’s a requisite comfort/stability element nonetheless. And my biggest problem is that I will not allow myself to indulge in artistic endeavors until that utterly self-imposed level of “security” has been attained. (Thank you very fucking much, Dr. Maslow!) I’ve attained it before, but I lose it every time I move to a new town.
Some artists can live in other people’s homes. Some artists can remain with their parents. Some artists can move to a new city and immediately begin pursuing their art, because they don’t concern themselves with where or to what capacity they might be living. They surf from couch to couch or they land shares with one to several roommates and from that point on they stop worrying about their standard of living. They just live - apparently because they’re alive - and that’s all the attention they pay to the matter of living.
I’m not like that. I’m bourgeois as hell. I’ve gotta have a place that I can call my own. And that place has to look nice. It has to have style, even if that style is 20th Century American bohemian. And most importantly, that place has to be filled with intention. And by “intention,” I mean love.
When I spackle, sand and paint a corner – I’m making love to it. When I spend five hours at the paint store, staring at chips and matching color schemes, I’m deliberating my future. I’m sensitive to my environment. I notice my walls, my ceiling, and my floors every day. That, I suppose, is the bourgeois in me. (Or is it the artist in me? My personal jury is still “out.” But for the sake of this argument, that’s the bourgeois in me.) I was raised in a modest yet impeccable home, and to this day I strive to maintain a homefront – as modest as it might be – that is impeccable.
My obsessions are bi-polar. My obsessions are torn. My obsessions are at odds with each other – until they’ve had enough time to sort themselves out. This is my process. I know this because I’ve lived it four times (Portland [Maine], San Francisco, Los Angeles, and now New York). The bourgeois part of me will not set the artistic side of me free until the apartment has been obtained, the walls have been painted, and every last detail pertaining to the day-to-day living in that apartment has been established. This includes determining where the cleaning supplies go; where the pots and pans are stored; and where the monthly bills are received, paid, and subsequently filed. Once all these aspects of day-to-day living are secured, they are never changed. (One dear friend in LA commented that, during seven years of residence there, I never even moved the coasters on the coffee table once I’d determined where they were to be placed.) Such is the nature of my bourgeois side. I’m too fussy to tolerate surfing couches. I’m too middle-class to endure not having my own slice of middle-class life.
Regardless, I don’t ask for much. As middle-class as I am, I’m not desperate for a mortgage or an SUV. I only desire my own peculiar bohemian corner of the world. And I never fail to get it. But doing so, especially when it comes in the form of moving from one metropolitan area to another, costs. It costs money, time – and effort. The effort I put into putting myself up in a new town always detracts from my ability to crank out the art. That’s what makes me a bourgeois bohemian. That’s why I had to build a bed loft, a bar, and paint all my walls before I could start this blog.
Well, within the definitions I set forth when I began this psycho-babble, I suppose that would place me within the realm of the successful. It’s an eventual "successful," but I think I possess certain present elements of success nonetheless. Successful people are the ones who are concerned with the big picture as well as the minutia. I don’t have any problem "compelling myself into producing whatever it is I produce” – once my domicile has been adequately established.
So I’m probably not going to be famous, and I’m certainly no genius.
Hmm. "Successful?” Guess I’ll take it. In due (bourgeois) time. It’s not as if the famous and the geniuses don’t pay for their lots in life in their own, particular ways. Nobody escapes this life free of the requirements this life imposes on us – even if it’s as basic as wiping our asses. Find me a genius who doesn’t have to do that, and I’ll show you Stephen Hawking. You wanna be him?
I don’t.
(Sorry I even started this.)
I want to be either successful, famous, or a genius. I want to concern myself with only whatever my talents dictate I should be concerned – and nothing else.
Successful people would tell me that’s impossible – that I’d still have to make time for the gym, the diet, and all the other minutia that make up everyday life. Famous people would agree, but they'd probably be incapable of not reminding me that they no longer needed to tend to the minutia (they only need to focus - and I mean focus - on the gym and the diet). Only Geniuses would understand what I was trying to say, if only they were able to. But they’re too concerned with whatever they’re geniuses “at,” so they couldn’t possibly understand anything other than whatever it is they’re so busy understanding.
So what I’m presently blaming for my lack of achieving more, as a writer, is my bourgeois upbringing. I’ve been fighting it all my life. It’s probably less of a surprise to those of you who know me well than it is to me, because it shows so much on the outside while I continue to battle it on the inside. I’m addicted to comfort. I’m addicted to domestic stability. It’s a comfort and a stability the likes of which probably don’t even register on the “comfort/stability” scale compared to the sensibilities of the people I went to high school and college with, and it’s a comfort and stability that only requires a net monthly income of $2,500 (put THAT in your bourgeois hat and smoke it!), but it’s a requisite comfort/stability element nonetheless. And my biggest problem is that I will not allow myself to indulge in artistic endeavors until that utterly self-imposed level of “security” has been attained. (Thank you very fucking much, Dr. Maslow!) I’ve attained it before, but I lose it every time I move to a new town.
Some artists can live in other people’s homes. Some artists can remain with their parents. Some artists can move to a new city and immediately begin pursuing their art, because they don’t concern themselves with where or to what capacity they might be living. They surf from couch to couch or they land shares with one to several roommates and from that point on they stop worrying about their standard of living. They just live - apparently because they’re alive - and that’s all the attention they pay to the matter of living.
I’m not like that. I’m bourgeois as hell. I’ve gotta have a place that I can call my own. And that place has to look nice. It has to have style, even if that style is 20th Century American bohemian. And most importantly, that place has to be filled with intention. And by “intention,” I mean love.
When I spackle, sand and paint a corner – I’m making love to it. When I spend five hours at the paint store, staring at chips and matching color schemes, I’m deliberating my future. I’m sensitive to my environment. I notice my walls, my ceiling, and my floors every day. That, I suppose, is the bourgeois in me. (Or is it the artist in me? My personal jury is still “out.” But for the sake of this argument, that’s the bourgeois in me.) I was raised in a modest yet impeccable home, and to this day I strive to maintain a homefront – as modest as it might be – that is impeccable.
My obsessions are bi-polar. My obsessions are torn. My obsessions are at odds with each other – until they’ve had enough time to sort themselves out. This is my process. I know this because I’ve lived it four times (Portland [Maine], San Francisco, Los Angeles, and now New York). The bourgeois part of me will not set the artistic side of me free until the apartment has been obtained, the walls have been painted, and every last detail pertaining to the day-to-day living in that apartment has been established. This includes determining where the cleaning supplies go; where the pots and pans are stored; and where the monthly bills are received, paid, and subsequently filed. Once all these aspects of day-to-day living are secured, they are never changed. (One dear friend in LA commented that, during seven years of residence there, I never even moved the coasters on the coffee table once I’d determined where they were to be placed.) Such is the nature of my bourgeois side. I’m too fussy to tolerate surfing couches. I’m too middle-class to endure not having my own slice of middle-class life.
Regardless, I don’t ask for much. As middle-class as I am, I’m not desperate for a mortgage or an SUV. I only desire my own peculiar bohemian corner of the world. And I never fail to get it. But doing so, especially when it comes in the form of moving from one metropolitan area to another, costs. It costs money, time – and effort. The effort I put into putting myself up in a new town always detracts from my ability to crank out the art. That’s what makes me a bourgeois bohemian. That’s why I had to build a bed loft, a bar, and paint all my walls before I could start this blog.
Well, within the definitions I set forth when I began this psycho-babble, I suppose that would place me within the realm of the successful. It’s an eventual "successful," but I think I possess certain present elements of success nonetheless. Successful people are the ones who are concerned with the big picture as well as the minutia. I don’t have any problem "compelling myself into producing whatever it is I produce” – once my domicile has been adequately established.
So I’m probably not going to be famous, and I’m certainly no genius.
Hmm. "Successful?” Guess I’ll take it. In due (bourgeois) time. It’s not as if the famous and the geniuses don’t pay for their lots in life in their own, particular ways. Nobody escapes this life free of the requirements this life imposes on us – even if it’s as basic as wiping our asses. Find me a genius who doesn’t have to do that, and I’ll show you Stephen Hawking. You wanna be him?
I don’t.
(Sorry I even started this.)
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Schadenfreude (Ger.)
Sooner or later this topic had to come up. Based on the feedback I’ve gotten from many of you – both written and verbal – it appears that one of the main attractions to my new blog is nothing less than what is defined and described by one of Avenue Q’s songs: “Schadenfreude.” To those of you who have seen the show, I toss an immediate “Well, then, fuck you...” (Even though I completely agreee.) And for those of you who haven’t seen it, let me preface all this with the exact same statement, just to get it out of the way.
Schadenfreude, as Webster* defines it, is “enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others.” As Avenue Q elaborates, the phenomenon can be illustrated as such:
Schadenfreude, as Webster* defines it, is “enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others.” As Avenue Q elaborates, the phenomenon can be illustrated as such:
D'ja ever clap when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses?
Yeah...
And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters falling on their asses?
Sure!
And don'tcha feel all warm and cozy,Watching people out in the rain!
You bet!
That's… Schadenfreude! People taking pleasure in your pain!
Oh, Schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?
Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"
Apparently, the reason my audience (however small it may be) finds my blog entries entertaining is none other than the same reason these actors like to watch skaters fall on their asses. My “40+-but-still-a-bohemian” life, as astute as I would like to portray its observations to be, is basically nothing more than something that helps those who didn’t make the same mistakes I did feel good about having made the decisions they made. It’s an outlet and a penance all at once. Just click onto it and you can feel guilty and repentant simultaneously.
I kid the audience. It’s not that severe. But you have to admit – as many of you have already admitted – that reading about my life somehow informs your perceptions of your own lives. I don’t mind telling you, that’s exactly what I’m aiming for. If I have to suffer a little bit of, “Christ, I’m glad that’s not me living that way!” to get my point across, well then – So be it.
I have the unlucky karma of being an artist. I call it unlucky not because it’s particularly difficult to identify as an artist, but because, as present sociological influences would have it, artists are not considered to be at all successful unless they achieve fame. You don’t hear folks, at this point in history, referring to doctors, lawyers, scientists or professors as being “unsuccessful” simply because they haven’t managed to become famous doctors, lawyers, scientists or professors. Rather, our present society tends to automatically look upon anyone who pursues and actualizes any of these professions as “successful,” by the sheer virtue of the individual’s ability to actualize the profession. Not so for the artist.
The artist, in our present society, is viewed as a rebel and a virtual derelict. S/he is accused of being “lazy” because s/he is not willing to dedicate the time and effort that it takes to become “sucessful” in another, more “legitimate,” profession. Instead, the artist pursues the virtually insane objective of creating something out of nothing – for no apparent reason other than the will and desire to create. Unless fame is achieved, there is no high-paying profession that justifies the artists’ endeavors. Even if the artist pursues an advanced degree, there is no certainty that s/he will be able to earn enough as an artist to pay off his or her student loans. At least doctors or lawyers can commence payments upon entering their respective fields, regardless of how many other “dues” they must “pay” before attaining full professional status.
So the Schadenfreude for y’all, whenever you tune into Moore and More, is in watching my lazy, crazy artistic life unfold. Part of your interest (and you can’t deny it because many of you have already admitted it) is in reassuring yourselves that you made the “right” decisions in your lives – decisions that led you far away from having to deal with any of the extreme (albeit self-imposed, I know) shit that I have to deal with.
Well, that’s exactly what I want you to do. That’s exactly what I want you to think. Not that you’re superior because you made certain decisions that I didn’t – but that there is an obvious difference between our respective approaches to life. I’m an emotional exhibitionist. I wear my life on my sleeve. I think that’s a big part of my artistic mission. I think it’s a big part of the reason I’m here, on this planet. If we have to trivialize my karma by calling it Schadenfreude, well then – like I’ve already said – So be it.
But bear in mind: there’s a certain freedom a waitress who’s just dropped a tray of dishes has. There’s a particular kind of liberty a skater who’s just fallen on her ass possesses. It’s freedom from the fear of falling. Those of us who have just fallen have nothing to fear; we have only to look forward to getting up and starting over. Those of us who’ve been coasting all the while, however, remain consumed with the fear of falling – often to the point of paralysis. These people just let momentum carry them along, hoping to be able to blame it if ever they happen to fall. But momentum’s a funny thing, because it’s self-imposed. We can’t blame our momentum for anything, because we create it.
At least we sources of Schadenfreude recognize our own responsibility for the predicaments we’ve created. At least our embarrassment allows us to clearly see the exact nature of our situations. And the funny thing is, we’re laughing, too. We’re laughing, and we’re pointing right back at ya’. So if it makes you feel better to read, beloved audience, then by all means – keep reading. It sure makes me feel better to keep writing. After all, what have I got to lose?
*Go to http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&va=schadenfreude for pronunciation (esp. if you're wired for sound).
Saturday, June 25, 2005
I Woke Up this Mornin' and I Got Myself a Beer
Well, I woke up this mornin’ and I got myself a beer-
I woke up this mornin’ and I got myself a beer-
The future’s uncertain and the end is always near…
-- J. Morrison, with The Doors
I’m sick of listening to people blame addiction for their lack of accomplishment. In my field (which is art, whether that be visual, performative, musical, or literary), addiction has only served to SERVE the most famous artists/writers of the 20th century.
Let’s take pop music, as an example, and from that let's take Jim Morrison -- the first to be quoted herein -- and examine exactly what I’m saying. Jim Morrison. One of the sexiest, shortest-lived pop musicians of the ‘60s. Heavily into drugs and equally into 19th-Century Romantic poetry (or vice-versa), Morrison has gone down in American Top 40 history as one of the saddest icons since Elvis. But despite the fact that he died before (and younger than) The King, he had more to say. We can chalk that up to his fascination with Rimbaud and Verlaine, who managed, in between their volatile attempts at defining homosexual male love, to etch out some pretty raunchy-yet-perfect odes to the nitty-gritty physical aspects of homo-sapiel [sic] existence. Am I saying Morrison was queer? Hell, no. But did he learn about love from homosexuals? Indeed, he did. You figure out what the difference is; I’m too tired of having to draw such distinctions. Funny thing about Morrison, though – despite his reputation for indulging in mescalin, acid and other hallucinogens – his real Jones was for booze, as described by the previously enscribed quote. I mean, of all things to reach for early in the a.m. during the mid-1960's... a BEER?!?
Tired of lying in the sunshine,
Staying home to watch the rain –
But you were young and life was long,
And there was time to kill today…
-- Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon
There’s only time to kill, regardless of how despondent one’s adolescent nature might be, when there are drugs around. Otherwise, the adolescent grows bored. Once s/he tires of contemplation and its sister – masturbation – the adolescent needs some chemical compound in order to retain his/her complacency. For early 20th Century generations that drug was alcohol. But as the industrial revolution evolved into the technological revolution, the urge to expand consciousness evolved, relatively. Relativity, even though having been around since way before Morrison's day, caught up with the majority sometime during Floyd's day. In so doing, it relegated the booze buzz to an almost insignificant status. Sure, getting drunk was always a safe option (after all, isn’t that what Mom and Dad did?), but it didn’t exactly provide one with "options." It had become merely a steam valve.
So in order to effectively contemplate post-cocktail generation existence, one needed – at the very least – marijuana. Marijuana led entire generations into the lifestyle of complacency. Pot made “nothing happen.” Heck, it still does… But the pot mindest not only put Pink Floyd on the map, it also put them in the same league as the literary and filmatic masterpiece as The Wizard of Oz. And that was no easy feat. Just try to compare “All you touch and all you see/Is all your life will ever be” with “There’s no place like home.” That’s a pretty deep equation. But to this day, stoners will commence the Oz video with the Dark Side album, in order to compare how precisely each introduces its introduction, conflicts its conflict, and then struggles to resolve its respective resolutions -- simultaneously, if one's audio/visual cueing is right. I don't know about you, but I can't envision any member of the cocktail generation going to such extremes to prove a point that's ultimately not a point at all, but just a buzz. (Nah, that's the kind of thing only a stoner would do...)
She don’t lie,
She don’t lie,
She don’t lie –
Cocaine.
-- Eric Clapton
How much more explicit could he have made our entry into the ‘80’s? As much as his rock fans wanted to proclaim that “Disco was for fags,” they couldn’t help but pick up on the fad Studio 54 made so popular. And it wasn't just popular with the pop artists. It was popular with everyone in search of a higher high. Didn’t coke provide it? (Doesn’t it still, wherever it’s still available?) ‘Nough said ‘bout that... 'Cept that, of course, She still don't lie...
Clean shirt, new shoes
And I don't know where I'm goin' to
Silk suit, black tie
I don't need a reason why
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Coz every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
-- ZZ Top
And so came the ‘80s. So what if this song, just like Clapton’s, came out in the late ‘70’s? There’s no difference. All that matters to our present argument is that, somewhere in the late ‘70s, substance left and superficiality entered the scene. How ironic, in an argument about substances. But it's true. Somewhere during the late '70s, between when Led Zeppelin was contemplating "Houses of the Holy" and when Liza was spreading Herpes at '54, the fashionable "substance" became an utter lack of substance. It became superficiality. And it has been ever since, no matter which drugs we've subsequently ingested. (Ecstacy? Speed? -- they only help us stay "in the moment," which, unfortunately, consistently turns out not to be much of a moment at all).
What does this have to do with addiction? Not much, if we’re referring to dependence on some chemical compound. But if we’re talking about the re-direction of more than two entire generations onto the feel-good Jones of Consumerism, then there’s our Hard Rock Genesis. Oh, what a coincidence. (And you thought it was all Calvin Kein’s fault…) It was around the time ZZ came out with their hits that the Hard Rock Café chain became infamous as a hot spot for tourists traveling from just about anywhere in the Western world to anywhere else within. That whole conglomerate happened for the sake of a "sharp-dressed man." Or, in lieu of that, for the sake of "a pair of cheap sunglasses…"
So what am I getting at? I’m getting at the heart of late 20th-Century/early 21st Century American existence, as foretold and described within the confines of its pop musical culture. I’m getting at how we’ve been obsessed – if "we" describes us as one of the many who’ve been living in the first of the “three worlds” circa 1965 – with one substance or another. And even though the substances of fashion have changed slightly as the decades have progressed, the truth is, pop culture has wanted nothing less than to get us hooked on something. Pop culture has led us, as far back as we can trace, to favor one mood-altering path or another. In the long run, that path has proven to be nothing less than pop culture itself.
Well, it’s bungle in the jungle
And that’s all right by me.
-- Jethro Tull
Which eventually leads us to:
This is not my beautiful house!
-- David Byrne and The Talking Heads
So just where have YOU been living? If your domicile is absolutely free of alcohol, pot, mescalin/acid, cocaine/speed, or consumerist label-lust, then by all means, I want to hear from you. If you honestly think your lifestyle doesn’t serve some addiction to something, then I really want to hear from you. ‘Cuz I think that, in the end, we’re all addicted to something. Lately, I’ve witnessed a bunch of folks addicted to addiction. They all sit around in circles made up of other people addicted to their same addictions and talk abaout how they’re no longer going to succumb to their addictions. All the while, they drink coffee and smoke cigarettes – not only like both chemicals are going out of style – but as if neither chemical was indeed addictive. So where do you stand? What are you hooked on?
If you consider yourself “not hooked,” then, like I said, I really want to hear from you. Because I’m willing to toss this entire hypothesis out the window. I really am. Show me a person who's not hooked on something and bam! -- out goes this entire mental trajectory. But in the meantime, as the personal ads say, "ISO addicted individuals. Please be into any sort of chemical dependency and/or be admittedly hooked on commerce. Or in lieu of those things, be hooked on getting unhooked."
Life; addiction. Addiction; life. Would Darwin have defined either without the other?
Personally, I don't blame my addiction(s) for my lack of accomplishment. I just blame fate. If I'd have had Morrison's photogenics, or Pink Floyd's orchestrations, or ZZ Top's long beards, or even David Byrne's RISD pedigree (all at the right time in the right place, you see), I imagine I'd still have been just as much an addict -- only more famous.
Like they are.
[Ed's Note: This was composed, in exact sequence, while listening to New York's "only classic rock station." The author had no idea which songs would be played or within what order; he was merely responding to the stimulus.]
I woke up this mornin’ and I got myself a beer-
The future’s uncertain and the end is always near…
-- J. Morrison, with The Doors
I’m sick of listening to people blame addiction for their lack of accomplishment. In my field (which is art, whether that be visual, performative, musical, or literary), addiction has only served to SERVE the most famous artists/writers of the 20th century.
Let’s take pop music, as an example, and from that let's take Jim Morrison -- the first to be quoted herein -- and examine exactly what I’m saying. Jim Morrison. One of the sexiest, shortest-lived pop musicians of the ‘60s. Heavily into drugs and equally into 19th-Century Romantic poetry (or vice-versa), Morrison has gone down in American Top 40 history as one of the saddest icons since Elvis. But despite the fact that he died before (and younger than) The King, he had more to say. We can chalk that up to his fascination with Rimbaud and Verlaine, who managed, in between their volatile attempts at defining homosexual male love, to etch out some pretty raunchy-yet-perfect odes to the nitty-gritty physical aspects of homo-sapiel [sic] existence. Am I saying Morrison was queer? Hell, no. But did he learn about love from homosexuals? Indeed, he did. You figure out what the difference is; I’m too tired of having to draw such distinctions. Funny thing about Morrison, though – despite his reputation for indulging in mescalin, acid and other hallucinogens – his real Jones was for booze, as described by the previously enscribed quote. I mean, of all things to reach for early in the a.m. during the mid-1960's... a BEER?!?
Tired of lying in the sunshine,
Staying home to watch the rain –
But you were young and life was long,
And there was time to kill today…
-- Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon
There’s only time to kill, regardless of how despondent one’s adolescent nature might be, when there are drugs around. Otherwise, the adolescent grows bored. Once s/he tires of contemplation and its sister – masturbation – the adolescent needs some chemical compound in order to retain his/her complacency. For early 20th Century generations that drug was alcohol. But as the industrial revolution evolved into the technological revolution, the urge to expand consciousness evolved, relatively. Relativity, even though having been around since way before Morrison's day, caught up with the majority sometime during Floyd's day. In so doing, it relegated the booze buzz to an almost insignificant status. Sure, getting drunk was always a safe option (after all, isn’t that what Mom and Dad did?), but it didn’t exactly provide one with "options." It had become merely a steam valve.
So in order to effectively contemplate post-cocktail generation existence, one needed – at the very least – marijuana. Marijuana led entire generations into the lifestyle of complacency. Pot made “nothing happen.” Heck, it still does… But the pot mindest not only put Pink Floyd on the map, it also put them in the same league as the literary and filmatic masterpiece as The Wizard of Oz. And that was no easy feat. Just try to compare “All you touch and all you see/Is all your life will ever be” with “There’s no place like home.” That’s a pretty deep equation. But to this day, stoners will commence the Oz video with the Dark Side album, in order to compare how precisely each introduces its introduction, conflicts its conflict, and then struggles to resolve its respective resolutions -- simultaneously, if one's audio/visual cueing is right. I don't know about you, but I can't envision any member of the cocktail generation going to such extremes to prove a point that's ultimately not a point at all, but just a buzz. (Nah, that's the kind of thing only a stoner would do...)
She don’t lie,
She don’t lie,
She don’t lie –
Cocaine.
-- Eric Clapton
How much more explicit could he have made our entry into the ‘80’s? As much as his rock fans wanted to proclaim that “Disco was for fags,” they couldn’t help but pick up on the fad Studio 54 made so popular. And it wasn't just popular with the pop artists. It was popular with everyone in search of a higher high. Didn’t coke provide it? (Doesn’t it still, wherever it’s still available?) ‘Nough said ‘bout that... 'Cept that, of course, She still don't lie...
Clean shirt, new shoes
And I don't know where I'm goin' to
Silk suit, black tie
I don't need a reason why
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Coz every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
-- ZZ Top
And so came the ‘80s. So what if this song, just like Clapton’s, came out in the late ‘70’s? There’s no difference. All that matters to our present argument is that, somewhere in the late ‘70s, substance left and superficiality entered the scene. How ironic, in an argument about substances. But it's true. Somewhere during the late '70s, between when Led Zeppelin was contemplating "Houses of the Holy" and when Liza was spreading Herpes at '54, the fashionable "substance" became an utter lack of substance. It became superficiality. And it has been ever since, no matter which drugs we've subsequently ingested. (Ecstacy? Speed? -- they only help us stay "in the moment," which, unfortunately, consistently turns out not to be much of a moment at all).
What does this have to do with addiction? Not much, if we’re referring to dependence on some chemical compound. But if we’re talking about the re-direction of more than two entire generations onto the feel-good Jones of Consumerism, then there’s our Hard Rock Genesis. Oh, what a coincidence. (And you thought it was all Calvin Kein’s fault…) It was around the time ZZ came out with their hits that the Hard Rock Café chain became infamous as a hot spot for tourists traveling from just about anywhere in the Western world to anywhere else within. That whole conglomerate happened for the sake of a "sharp-dressed man." Or, in lieu of that, for the sake of "a pair of cheap sunglasses…"
So what am I getting at? I’m getting at the heart of late 20th-Century/early 21st Century American existence, as foretold and described within the confines of its pop musical culture. I’m getting at how we’ve been obsessed – if "we" describes us as one of the many who’ve been living in the first of the “three worlds” circa 1965 – with one substance or another. And even though the substances of fashion have changed slightly as the decades have progressed, the truth is, pop culture has wanted nothing less than to get us hooked on something. Pop culture has led us, as far back as we can trace, to favor one mood-altering path or another. In the long run, that path has proven to be nothing less than pop culture itself.
Well, it’s bungle in the jungle
And that’s all right by me.
-- Jethro Tull
Which eventually leads us to:
This is not my beautiful house!
-- David Byrne and The Talking Heads
So just where have YOU been living? If your domicile is absolutely free of alcohol, pot, mescalin/acid, cocaine/speed, or consumerist label-lust, then by all means, I want to hear from you. If you honestly think your lifestyle doesn’t serve some addiction to something, then I really want to hear from you. ‘Cuz I think that, in the end, we’re all addicted to something. Lately, I’ve witnessed a bunch of folks addicted to addiction. They all sit around in circles made up of other people addicted to their same addictions and talk abaout how they’re no longer going to succumb to their addictions. All the while, they drink coffee and smoke cigarettes – not only like both chemicals are going out of style – but as if neither chemical was indeed addictive. So where do you stand? What are you hooked on?
If you consider yourself “not hooked,” then, like I said, I really want to hear from you. Because I’m willing to toss this entire hypothesis out the window. I really am. Show me a person who's not hooked on something and bam! -- out goes this entire mental trajectory. But in the meantime, as the personal ads say, "ISO addicted individuals. Please be into any sort of chemical dependency and/or be admittedly hooked on commerce. Or in lieu of those things, be hooked on getting unhooked."
Life; addiction. Addiction; life. Would Darwin have defined either without the other?
Personally, I don't blame my addiction(s) for my lack of accomplishment. I just blame fate. If I'd have had Morrison's photogenics, or Pink Floyd's orchestrations, or ZZ Top's long beards, or even David Byrne's RISD pedigree (all at the right time in the right place, you see), I imagine I'd still have been just as much an addict -- only more famous.
Like they are.
[Ed's Note: This was composed, in exact sequence, while listening to New York's "only classic rock station." The author had no idea which songs would be played or within what order; he was merely responding to the stimulus.]
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
The Matter of Closets
A blog thing is a weird thing. It brings up many issues. Mainly, “How honest to be?” Or, “How much to recount?” Or if the answer to that question is, “Everything,” then, “How detailed is ‘Everything?’” Sooner or later, every attempt at coming out leads to another closet door.
I’ve been analyzing my own closet structure over the past 10 years, and I’ve come to two main conclusions about it:
1) The more I “out-ed” myself, the more I threw myself back into some closet;
2) The more I tried to eliminate closets from my own life, the more I
created them for those around me (e.g.: those whom I professed to love).
I certainly don’t mean to use these statements as a defense for remaining closeted, despite how it might appear. But the law of opposites, as it would appear, applies just as much to matters of coming out as it does to any other action/reaction. It’s simply a matter of physics.
What do I mean when I say that “The more I ‘out-ed’ myself, the more I threw myself back into some closet?” It’s pretty simple, really. I refer you to Portland, Maine in 1987. The already “out” Greg (that is, “out” to everyone from his lover to his college friends – his parents suspect but will not allow themselves to believe), surrenders the bulk of his worldly possessions and packs what little remains into a 1985 VW Jetta. His sole intent? To move to San Francisco. San Francisco, even to this day, reeks of homosexual innuendo. But in 1987, especially to the New English, it equated to “screaming.”
Was I, at that point in 1987, “out” to my parents? No. But what with having lived with a male lover for the previous three years and taking the $5,000 graduation gift they’d given me (in hopes I’d find a bride and settle down somewhere in Massachusetts) in order to transplant myself in Gay Mecca, it would be safe to say that the writing was on the wall. In other words, I took a gay situation and made it gay-er. Ergo, one closet opened into another. In essence, I “outed” myself onto a higher “out” plane, without ever bothering to actually “come out.” Even if I had told my folks the basics, the mere fact that I was moving to SF upped the ante, to the point where just being “out” wouldn’t have been enough. I could, after all, have remained in New England and pursued an assimilationist gay existence. (The lover. The brownstone. The labradors and the flannel…) But nooooooo,,,
I had to be gay-er than gay. I had to move to Gay Mecca. And would that THAT had been enough, but still it wasn’t.
I never intended – consciously, that is – for my SF karma to result in such extremes. All I remember is knowing I had to be surrounded by my own kind. And by “my own kind” I don’t just mean those who prefer to fuck members of the same sex. No, what – or should I say “whom” – I needed to be around were not only other gays, but other homosexuals who fought for their civil rights and, at that time in particular, their right to self-test experimental AIDS treatments. I suppose the whole AIDS factor was ultimately random, but its randomness never bore out over its reality in the eyes of my generation. Random or not, it was real, and it had to be dealt with. Hence, I was welcomed to my next closet: that of the AIDS activist.
It was around the time I commenced my activism that the dike (pardon the pun) between myself and my family finally cracked. And nowhere around was there a butch with a big enough finger to stop the flow. In 1988, at the dawn of the Larry Kramer/ACT-UP era, I “came out” to my parents.
They didn’t take it well. Dad withdrew into denial and Mom asserted that I could be converted, “If only [I] cared enough to…”
Despite my parents’ reactions, breaking open the preliminary closet door didn’t serve to be very satisfying to me. I had by then already crossed deep into the heart of SF counter-culture. Not only was I an activist, but I was also discovering my artistic sensibility. Sure, I had been creative all through high school and college, but this time, I was declaring my creativity/bohemianism as a lifestyle and not just an adolescent phase. I surrounded myself with other artists who actually made their living as artists. Up until then, that concept had been unimaginable to me. It was utterly liberating to be immersed in the subculture. But on the other hand, the subculture became yet another closet to confront.
My parents knew I was gay. So what? What did that mean, in their tiny little suburban world? The “gay” they envisioned from what they were able to pick up via mainstream media not only didn’t equate with the kind of “gay” I had become, it was downright sugar-coated compared to my reality. And even though it only served to hurt them more, I made damn sure my parents knew what a Radical Leftist Queer I had become. I was trying to make sure one closet phase wouldn’t lead to another. (Heck, being an activist was chic in those days, so it was the least I could do.)
But as fate would have it, one closet phase did lead to another. It wasn’t a mandatory evolution, by any means. In fact, it was pretty extreme, even when compared to the extremism with which I had surrounded myself. To this day, I don’t know which came first – my extremism or my extreme desire to live extremely. Regardless, have I ever “come out” to my parents as a prostitute? Oh, come now. There’s only so much a parent can handle, and believe me you, they haven’t been able to handle what I’ve dished out so far – so why would I dish out any more?
At the time of this writing, I’m 41. That makes my parents 71 each. 71 friggin’ years old, each with their own respective version of reproductive/genital cancer: prostate for Dad, and breast/cervical/uterine for Dear ol’ Mom. Now, would YOU want to tell the proud recipients of such diagnoses that their only son is not only a homosexual, but a homosexual whore? If indeed you possess that cruel a streak in your spine, then God help you. As cruel a streak as I have, and as much as the adolescent in me would like to hurt them, I simply can’t imagine wanting to hurt them that much. I mean, Enough already!
Would they – could they – ever understand that I consider my practice to be a vocation? Could they ever comprehend that some of us view sex for pay as a necessary component to human society? Would they ever be able to wrap their brains around the idea that I am content in my status? Probably not.
I had seen how tough it had been on my lovers, my boyfriends and even my friends to admit freely that I was a whore. No matter how much they wanted to be OK with it (and even though they really were OK with it), I saw how my baggage became their baggage, strictly by association. My justifications became their justifications, and suddenly, by the mere desire of my being “out” as a whore, my lovers, boyfriends and friends were placed in a defensive position. I didn’t like that. I was OK whenever I had to do the defending, but I didn’t wish having to be so defensive on anyone in my social circle.
That’s when it hit me, for sure. As “out” as I proclaimed to be, there was one closet I would have to retain.
And despite over 15 years of struggling to prevent closets, I still remain in one. I suppose there are always secrets we need to keep from our parents. I love the metaphor that is “growing gray.” It’s nature’s way of making us see the grays, after an entire adolescence and young adulthood of fighting to make things black and white. That was the story of my young adulthood. The struggle to live closet-free was nothing less than an attempt to live life either totally black or totally white. It doesn’t matter which, because they’re both extremes, and everyday life doesn’t exist along the extremes. Sooner or later life (like water, or air, or anything in the physical realm) seeks equilibrium.
When I look back on my young adulthood, now that I’m middle-aged, I can see how black and white I made everything out to be. But as much as I hated closets, I never opened to my parents the closet of my sexual extremism. Why bother? As the grays began to emerge in my hair, I learned to see the grays of coping with parents. They’d struggled enough just to come to terms with my homosexuality. As much as I’d rather they’d have come a lot further into acceptance (PS: they didn’t; it was awful), I had to accept that they could only come as far as they could come. There was no pushing them.
After realizing that, I finally realized all I was fighting was MY journey. And I came to realize that just living it is enough. I don’t need to throw it in my parents’ faces to justify it. All I have to do is live it.
That’s not being “closeted,” it’s being wise. Or at the very least, it’s being compassionate.
So Why the Sudden Slip into th' Brogue???
All I know is this (and I know I’ve said it before): Writing’s hard.
Writing’s as hard as painting. It’s as hard as sculpting. It’s as hard as any language, inculding – if I might say so – mathematics. Sure, all those practices are difficult. But tell me, is there anything more difficult than jottin' down exactly what we’re tryin' t'say’?
Math has something to fall back on. So do painting and sculpting. It’s not that they’re not difficult, but they’re easier in that, if one ha'n’t executed 'em precisely, a flaw shows right then and there.
With writing, even if one hasn’t executed it precisely, well, it can slip past you. It can slip past you ‘til you figure out to back up and not let it slip past you again. Writing’ll slip past you, my friend, ‘lest ‘yer well aware what it’s up to…
And just what is it up to? Well, quite honestly, writing’s up to no good. It’s up to no good a‘tal. Writing, my dear friend, wants t’convince ya. It wants t’convince ya it’s a solid line of reasoning – Nay – the ONLY line of reasoning. At least, the only line of reasoning that matters, at that time, at that place, when and where you’re readin’ it.
Poem, novel, dialogue or historical account – they’re all propoganda in the end. Don’t let the artists tell ya they’re reaching for something higher. Lord knows they want to. They want to picture themselves as something different from the historians, but they’re not. Truth be known, they’re lesser-than. ‘Cuz they’re the ones who wanna trick whole generations into thinkin’ their stories are acutal history. At least the historians attempt such a haughty claim from the start. The writers (God bless ‘em and Satan curse ‘em), attempt it blindly, not recognizing their own guilt. Christ help ‘em, but they don’t see their own sins.
Writers, Lord God have pity on their souls, think they’re speakin’ the truth. But if there’s anyone the lot o' ya should be wary of, it h’aint the historians. It’d be the writers. Writers are evil. Writers want nothing less than your souls. That’s what makes ‘em so sure they’re speakin’ the truth. ‘Cuz the truth, we’ve all been told, is s’posed t’set ya free.
Free y’er mind up to a writer and lose y’er soul. It’s that simple.
Thanks f’er readin'.
Writing’s as hard as painting. It’s as hard as sculpting. It’s as hard as any language, inculding – if I might say so – mathematics. Sure, all those practices are difficult. But tell me, is there anything more difficult than jottin' down exactly what we’re tryin' t'say’?
Math has something to fall back on. So do painting and sculpting. It’s not that they’re not difficult, but they’re easier in that, if one ha'n’t executed 'em precisely, a flaw shows right then and there.
With writing, even if one hasn’t executed it precisely, well, it can slip past you. It can slip past you ‘til you figure out to back up and not let it slip past you again. Writing’ll slip past you, my friend, ‘lest ‘yer well aware what it’s up to…
And just what is it up to? Well, quite honestly, writing’s up to no good. It’s up to no good a‘tal. Writing, my dear friend, wants t’convince ya. It wants t’convince ya it’s a solid line of reasoning – Nay – the ONLY line of reasoning. At least, the only line of reasoning that matters, at that time, at that place, when and where you’re readin’ it.
Poem, novel, dialogue or historical account – they’re all propoganda in the end. Don’t let the artists tell ya they’re reaching for something higher. Lord knows they want to. They want to picture themselves as something different from the historians, but they’re not. Truth be known, they’re lesser-than. ‘Cuz they’re the ones who wanna trick whole generations into thinkin’ their stories are acutal history. At least the historians attempt such a haughty claim from the start. The writers (God bless ‘em and Satan curse ‘em), attempt it blindly, not recognizing their own guilt. Christ help ‘em, but they don’t see their own sins.
Writers, Lord God have pity on their souls, think they’re speakin’ the truth. But if there’s anyone the lot o' ya should be wary of, it h’aint the historians. It’d be the writers. Writers are evil. Writers want nothing less than your souls. That’s what makes ‘em so sure they’re speakin’ the truth. ‘Cuz the truth, we’ve all been told, is s’posed t’set ya free.
Free y’er mind up to a writer and lose y’er soul. It’s that simple.
Thanks f’er readin'.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
A Minor Slip-Up
Well, I’ve done something I didn’t think – post-SF consciousness-raising, that is – I’d ever do again. I pulled a regular “bitch fest” in front of, and directed toward, one of the boys I “dated” during my recent six months of escapist endeavors…
This one is 27. A vegetarian hippy with parents from Santa Cruz or some such Berkeley-esque Northern CA environment. We spent exactly one passionate, coke-inspired night (and subsequent day) together two months ago, during which time we professed our uncanny mutual attraction. I can’t speak for him, but I meant everything I said, even if the coke did make it easier to say. Not only was I genuinely attracted to him, but I was also relieved to run into somebody else with Northern CA consciousness. I thought I’d found a new friend. But he never called me, even after I went through the trouble of looking him up at his trendy Manhattan restaurant job one Saturday night so that I might slip him my number. (He had left me his, but it had been disconnected. Should that have been my first warning? I remember thinking so. So I got busy with my life, and forgot about him.)
But then I saw him tonight on the way home from the Met, quite unexpectedly, as I was walking along Lorimer on my way toward Grand and beyond. Saw him dead-on, with no potential for looking away as if I hadn’t noticed him. Ditto for him. I saw it in his eyes. I saw him, and he saw me, plain and simple. It was startling for both of us. For me, because I’d just shaken off some other boy who wanted me to take him home and fuck him, and for him, well, just because, I guess. We weren’t passing each other, we were walking in the same direction. I had felt his presence and turned around. That’s how I saw him. I wonder if I’d have turned around if it had been anyone else?
“How ya doin’?” he asked as he approached me. He didn’t take the time to stop, and I didn’t take the time to stand still. Suddenly we were walking together. He was on his way to get cigarettes.
“Me?,” I asked, “I’m doin’ fine. Always have, always will.” I waited a few beats. We kept walking. The store was still a few yards away. I felt no need to hold back. I blurted, “Sorry I didn’t return your calls, but I DIDN’T GET ANY.”
He looked at me sheepishly. “I just got a new phone,” he said. “I haven’t had one all this time.”
“Mmm,” I grunted. And I stepped in front of him, and turned to face him – stopping him in his tracks.
I lifted my middle finger to my nose and sniffed it. Then I stuck it under his nose. He didn’t know what to make of the gesture, but he took a whiff anyway.
“Smell it?,” I asked.
“Smell what?”
“That’s someone else’s ass,” I assured him. It was no lie. I had been fingering the boy who wanted me to take him home and fuck him for close to an hour before I worked up the excuse of needing to walk the dog.
He became visibly disgusted. He resumed walking.
I followed him into the corner store. He bought some cigs, quite uncomfortable all the while. When he had completed his transaction he tried to brush me off with a “Well, it was good to see you,” but I confronted him once more.
“You don’t get it, do you?” I asked. “I wasn’t faking when I said I wanted to see you again. How come no call? I went out of my way to give you my number. The ball was in your court. You knew it.”
“I told you, I didn’t have a phone, and I’ve been real busy…”
“Bullshit. I’ve been busy, too. But if it’d been up to me to call you, then you could’ve been sure I’d a’ found a pay phone. Or something. I don’t mean to come across as some needy faggot whining, ‘Why did’t you call?,’ but I need you to know – I wanted to see you again. And I rarely feel that way. I told you that.”
“Well, yeah,” he admitted, “but when we parted I felt like you left it as ‘just friends’ and I thought we’d talked extensively about how I’m the marrying kind.”
“You mentioned it,” I told him, “but there was hardly anything extensive about it.”
He disagreed.
“So THAT’s why you did’t call,” I said.
“Well, yeah.”
“Then that’s what you should’ve had the balls to say a few minutes ago.”
I saw the whites of his eyes. He had no way out, and he knew it.
“Look,” he said, “I adore you. But there’s obviously not gonna be any way we can make it work.”
I asked, “Because you want monogamy?”
“Well, yeah.”
“That’s all I was trying to get you to say. That’s fine with me. I’ll be alright. Always have been.”
And with that, I turned on my heel and walked away from him, never once looking back. I walked home, thinking the entire time about how weird it had been to see him, right out of the blue, after I’d mentally put the entire scenario regarding him to rest. I couldn’t help but repeat – over and over – my mantra, “Gay male monogamy is not only impossible, it’s superfluous,” but at the same time, part of me was wishing him luck. Christ knows he’ll need it.
This one is 27. A vegetarian hippy with parents from Santa Cruz or some such Berkeley-esque Northern CA environment. We spent exactly one passionate, coke-inspired night (and subsequent day) together two months ago, during which time we professed our uncanny mutual attraction. I can’t speak for him, but I meant everything I said, even if the coke did make it easier to say. Not only was I genuinely attracted to him, but I was also relieved to run into somebody else with Northern CA consciousness. I thought I’d found a new friend. But he never called me, even after I went through the trouble of looking him up at his trendy Manhattan restaurant job one Saturday night so that I might slip him my number. (He had left me his, but it had been disconnected. Should that have been my first warning? I remember thinking so. So I got busy with my life, and forgot about him.)
But then I saw him tonight on the way home from the Met, quite unexpectedly, as I was walking along Lorimer on my way toward Grand and beyond. Saw him dead-on, with no potential for looking away as if I hadn’t noticed him. Ditto for him. I saw it in his eyes. I saw him, and he saw me, plain and simple. It was startling for both of us. For me, because I’d just shaken off some other boy who wanted me to take him home and fuck him, and for him, well, just because, I guess. We weren’t passing each other, we were walking in the same direction. I had felt his presence and turned around. That’s how I saw him. I wonder if I’d have turned around if it had been anyone else?
“How ya doin’?” he asked as he approached me. He didn’t take the time to stop, and I didn’t take the time to stand still. Suddenly we were walking together. He was on his way to get cigarettes.
“Me?,” I asked, “I’m doin’ fine. Always have, always will.” I waited a few beats. We kept walking. The store was still a few yards away. I felt no need to hold back. I blurted, “Sorry I didn’t return your calls, but I DIDN’T GET ANY.”
He looked at me sheepishly. “I just got a new phone,” he said. “I haven’t had one all this time.”
“Mmm,” I grunted. And I stepped in front of him, and turned to face him – stopping him in his tracks.
I lifted my middle finger to my nose and sniffed it. Then I stuck it under his nose. He didn’t know what to make of the gesture, but he took a whiff anyway.
“Smell it?,” I asked.
“Smell what?”
“That’s someone else’s ass,” I assured him. It was no lie. I had been fingering the boy who wanted me to take him home and fuck him for close to an hour before I worked up the excuse of needing to walk the dog.
He became visibly disgusted. He resumed walking.
I followed him into the corner store. He bought some cigs, quite uncomfortable all the while. When he had completed his transaction he tried to brush me off with a “Well, it was good to see you,” but I confronted him once more.
“You don’t get it, do you?” I asked. “I wasn’t faking when I said I wanted to see you again. How come no call? I went out of my way to give you my number. The ball was in your court. You knew it.”
“I told you, I didn’t have a phone, and I’ve been real busy…”
“Bullshit. I’ve been busy, too. But if it’d been up to me to call you, then you could’ve been sure I’d a’ found a pay phone. Or something. I don’t mean to come across as some needy faggot whining, ‘Why did’t you call?,’ but I need you to know – I wanted to see you again. And I rarely feel that way. I told you that.”
“Well, yeah,” he admitted, “but when we parted I felt like you left it as ‘just friends’ and I thought we’d talked extensively about how I’m the marrying kind.”
“You mentioned it,” I told him, “but there was hardly anything extensive about it.”
He disagreed.
“So THAT’s why you did’t call,” I said.
“Well, yeah.”
“Then that’s what you should’ve had the balls to say a few minutes ago.”
I saw the whites of his eyes. He had no way out, and he knew it.
“Look,” he said, “I adore you. But there’s obviously not gonna be any way we can make it work.”
I asked, “Because you want monogamy?”
“Well, yeah.”
“That’s all I was trying to get you to say. That’s fine with me. I’ll be alright. Always have been.”
And with that, I turned on my heel and walked away from him, never once looking back. I walked home, thinking the entire time about how weird it had been to see him, right out of the blue, after I’d mentally put the entire scenario regarding him to rest. I couldn’t help but repeat – over and over – my mantra, “Gay male monogamy is not only impossible, it’s superfluous,” but at the same time, part of me was wishing him luck. Christ knows he’ll need it.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Poem for a Commercial Website
Fuck This!
All I did was t’click on t’some link,
But Lo! an' Behold, said link is a FINK.
If all I'd a' wanted was t' spend my eve'
Clickin' more links an' spreadin' 'net seed,
Then I'd a' gone right fer it – right from th' start,
And click'd ont'a some por-no-graphic web's heart!
-- G. O’Neill
All I did was t’click on t’some link,
But Lo! an' Behold, said link is a FINK.
If all I'd a' wanted was t' spend my eve'
Clickin' more links an' spreadin' 'net seed,
Then I'd a' gone right fer it – right from th' start,
And click'd ont'a some por-no-graphic web's heart!
-- G. O’Neill
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Me an' Billy Joe
{Editor’s Note: Hey, Kids! For a multi-dimensional experience available to you only through this fabulous medium called the Internet, you can click on any of these following links to accompany the prose you’re about to read! (Or not… Or not…)}
[Accopmaniment only: (Best to click it into another window altogether, to start the music before you start reading. If you can get the music to play while you read, you've accomplished the mission. Windows users, right click the link. When music begins, click onto previous window with blog text and let the games begin! Mac users, you should be smart enough to figure this out yourselves...)
And PS, PS: This one's 'sposed 'ta be in an American Southern Accent, not the Brogue of subsequent posts.]
http://64.233.161.104/search?q=cache:9G5NO9c-BmsJ:users.cis.net/sammy/billyjoe.htm++%22Tallahatchie+%22&hl=en
Lyrics only:
http://64.233.161.104/search?q=cache:11qft-jvmMEJ:www.swopnet.com/music/ode_to_bj.html++%22ode+to+billy+joe%22&hl=en
More Lyrics:
http://www.geocities.com/odetobobbiegentry/lyric/lotbj.htm]
06/03/05:
Seems like me an’ Billly Joe McAllister’s got a lot in common. Mainly, that’d be today’s date.
See, June’s a funny time f’er me. Not funny Ha-Ha!, but funny strange. Funny strange ‘cuz it’s the time a’ year when I was born. Or should I say, done born… An’ there ain’t no time stranger than the time y’er bein’ born… Save, maybe, f’er the time y’er ‘bout ‘ta die…
But me an’ Billy Joe, y’see, we done both, th’ same time.
No, y’er right: I wa’n’t born June 3rd. But guess’d I did do that day? That’d be the very day in June, 2003, that I done touched down ‘n JFK – t’ start a new life in New York City. Now whaddya thinka that?
That Bill Joe, y’know – he w’an’t jus’ coverin’ up a pregnancy. He was coverin’ up his own self. His own damn bisexual, pregnancy-inducing self…
There’s so much more to pop culture than we can ever imagine. But why imagine? We’re too busy living it. When the music alarm went off this morning at 6:00am, and I heard the Classic Rock DJ announcing that today was, in fact, the anniversary of Billy Joe’s infamous transcendance, well – I jus’ couldn’t help but wonder why I felt such a connection. But now I wonder no more. Birth, death. Rebirth, redeath. Ain’t it all the same in th’ long run?
But y’all don’t need to worry ‘bout me throwing myself off no Tallahatchie Bridge. Jus’ bear’n mind: June’s a prime time f’er folks like me an’ good ol’ Billy Joe. It’s a prime time – f’er either makin’ it or losin’ it alt'gether…
An’ I done chose t’ make it.
[Accopmaniment only: (Best to click it into another window altogether, to start the music before you start reading. If you can get the music to play while you read, you've accomplished the mission. Windows users, right click the link. When music begins, click onto previous window with blog text and let the games begin! Mac users, you should be smart enough to figure this out yourselves...)
And PS, PS: This one's 'sposed 'ta be in an American Southern Accent, not the Brogue of subsequent posts.]
http://64.233.161.104/search?q=cache:9G5NO9c-BmsJ:users.cis.net/sammy/billyjoe.htm++%22Tallahatchie+%22&hl=en
Lyrics only:
http://64.233.161.104/search?q=cache:11qft-jvmMEJ:www.swopnet.com/music/ode_to_bj.html++%22ode+to+billy+joe%22&hl=en
More Lyrics:
http://www.geocities.com/odetobobbiegentry/lyric/lotbj.htm]
06/03/05:
Seems like me an’ Billly Joe McAllister’s got a lot in common. Mainly, that’d be today’s date.
See, June’s a funny time f’er me. Not funny Ha-Ha!, but funny strange. Funny strange ‘cuz it’s the time a’ year when I was born. Or should I say, done born… An’ there ain’t no time stranger than the time y’er bein’ born… Save, maybe, f’er the time y’er ‘bout ‘ta die…
But me an’ Billy Joe, y’see, we done both, th’ same time.
No, y’er right: I wa’n’t born June 3rd. But guess’d I did do that day? That’d be the very day in June, 2003, that I done touched down ‘n JFK – t’ start a new life in New York City. Now whaddya thinka that?
That Bill Joe, y’know – he w’an’t jus’ coverin’ up a pregnancy. He was coverin’ up his own self. His own damn bisexual, pregnancy-inducing self…
There’s so much more to pop culture than we can ever imagine. But why imagine? We’re too busy living it. When the music alarm went off this morning at 6:00am, and I heard the Classic Rock DJ announcing that today was, in fact, the anniversary of Billy Joe’s infamous transcendance, well – I jus’ couldn’t help but wonder why I felt such a connection. But now I wonder no more. Birth, death. Rebirth, redeath. Ain’t it all the same in th’ long run?
But y’all don’t need to worry ‘bout me throwing myself off no Tallahatchie Bridge. Jus’ bear’n mind: June’s a prime time f’er folks like me an’ good ol’ Billy Joe. It’s a prime time – f’er either makin’ it or losin’ it alt'gether…
An’ I done chose t’ make it.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Playing Favorites
Scoff if you will, or mock, or just plain laugh. But I consider myself to be an artist. I know the term “artist” has, for whatever curious reasons, come to pertain mainly to those who work in the visual realms (such as painting, sculpting, or even photography and film), but the fact is: An artist is someone who conceptualizes and then actualizes something abstract.
It’s abstraction that separates the artist from the craftsperson. For even though throughout the ages architects and scientists have occasionally wanted to argue that they, too, are artists, the fact eventuallly surfaces that those vocations result in something concrete – if even in nothing more than a mathematical equation. A building or a bridge, an equation or a formula – all of these are technically concrete in the final analysis of a concrete world. The former might be more obviously concrete, but the latter, after careful examination, proves to be equally sturdy.
What’s the difference between the abstraction of an artwork and that of a mathematical equation? It’s quite simple, really. As abstract as a mathematical equation might be, it represents something actual. It posits itself as a manifestation of reality. It claims to portray, in terms we humans cannot see, something that is real – and which therefore affects (if not dominates) our physical realm. And if there’s anything we humans value to the point of not questioning, it’s our physical realm.
The abstraction of art, on the other hand, exists merely for the sake of its own abstraction. A much simpler way to put this is, art exists simply for the sake of its own existence. The thing about art is, in the long run, there is never any practical need for it to ever be created.
Portraiture is often used as an example against this argument. Portraiture, it is argued, is “representational.” The term “representation,” therefore, is understood to convey an innate realism which is subsequently understood to imply a lack of interpretation or political agenda. But if this argument is true, then why don’t all portraits – from ancient times up until the contemporary – have a photographic exactness? They don’t. They couldn’t. Until the photographic lens was invented, humanity had to rely upon the human lens, which could never exist separate from the politics of its own perception. Even the ostensible precision of the Renaissance grid, despite its revolutionary ability to depict exact perspective, came with its own political baggage. So, too, for that matter, does modern photography, and filmography, and videography. In the world of visual arts, there is no such thing as true artistic objectivity, no matter how precise a medium might be in capturing the proportions of its subjects.
Similarly, performing artists are often accused of not having to create from the abstract. Music, dance choreograpy, actors’ lines and stage directions are acclaimed (from the critics’ point of view) as concrete instructions from which virtually “anyone with sufficient training” could bring to life the composer’s/playwright’s intentions. But it’s a funny thing. We rarely, if ever, see these critics on stage, interpreting what they say is so easy to interpret.
And what of the composers and playwrights? They’re the brave souls who created something from the blank page, just as their musicians and actors must bring to life the music and words that rest upon the pages of those once-blank scripts. Each and every one of these artists, for lack of a better term, is bringing the abstract to fruition. (Probably, incidentally, for little to no pay.)
All of which is to reiterate: Art exists simply for its own sake. This can’t be said about other human endeavors. That is, it cannot be said about intentional, conscious endeavors. The majority of human endeavors are concerned with cause and effect. More pecisely, they’re concerned with survival. Breathing, eating, digesting, sleeping – even impregnation – these activities could technically be, and have been, argued as having intentional components, but as history proves, they are in fact habitual. The same must be said for labor, government and even war. Most human endeavors strive for results. Most of the desired results are physical, monetary, or political. In other words, most human endeavor is practical. But even though artistic endeavor also strives for some sort of result, the intended result -- no matter how practical -- is rarely practical. Art prefers to engage emotion. Art, for better or worse, doesn’t care what it stands to profit; it merely wants to remind us that we’re alive.
Entertainment strives for popularity and profit; Propoganda strives for political influence; but Art strives only for itself.
Within that social context, it’s only the crazy person who persues art. It’s only the dreamer who makes something out of nothing – for nothing. Nothing, that is, other than the sake of creating. Artists want little more than to create. Despite the best of their practical intentions (if they become encumbered by them), artists only wish to make something from nothing. If the feedback they receive sounds like, “Well, isn’t that great?” Well, then, all right! And if the feedback is more like, “That sucks!” Well, then, isn’t that all right, too?
In the long run, is there anything that exists that doesn’t make some sort of statement? Are we so self-absorbed a species that we can’t see meaning in anything? In everything?
That’s what artists are trying to tell us. That’s why I play favorites. I favor the artists. Not because I am one, but because without them, we might just lose sight of our very own God-liness. After all, there isn’t a culture we’ve discovered so far that hasn’t acknowledged this state of recognition; this state of awe; this very concept of existence for its very own sake. If there’s anything we know about humanity, after all this time and all this study, it’s that we all have an inherent appreciation for that from which we came, no matter how we perceive it – and a mutual respect for our own precarious condition.
And the most concise declaration of that realization is, at best and universally, enunciated by art.
It’s abstraction that separates the artist from the craftsperson. For even though throughout the ages architects and scientists have occasionally wanted to argue that they, too, are artists, the fact eventuallly surfaces that those vocations result in something concrete – if even in nothing more than a mathematical equation. A building or a bridge, an equation or a formula – all of these are technically concrete in the final analysis of a concrete world. The former might be more obviously concrete, but the latter, after careful examination, proves to be equally sturdy.
What’s the difference between the abstraction of an artwork and that of a mathematical equation? It’s quite simple, really. As abstract as a mathematical equation might be, it represents something actual. It posits itself as a manifestation of reality. It claims to portray, in terms we humans cannot see, something that is real – and which therefore affects (if not dominates) our physical realm. And if there’s anything we humans value to the point of not questioning, it’s our physical realm.
The abstraction of art, on the other hand, exists merely for the sake of its own abstraction. A much simpler way to put this is, art exists simply for the sake of its own existence. The thing about art is, in the long run, there is never any practical need for it to ever be created.
Portraiture is often used as an example against this argument. Portraiture, it is argued, is “representational.” The term “representation,” therefore, is understood to convey an innate realism which is subsequently understood to imply a lack of interpretation or political agenda. But if this argument is true, then why don’t all portraits – from ancient times up until the contemporary – have a photographic exactness? They don’t. They couldn’t. Until the photographic lens was invented, humanity had to rely upon the human lens, which could never exist separate from the politics of its own perception. Even the ostensible precision of the Renaissance grid, despite its revolutionary ability to depict exact perspective, came with its own political baggage. So, too, for that matter, does modern photography, and filmography, and videography. In the world of visual arts, there is no such thing as true artistic objectivity, no matter how precise a medium might be in capturing the proportions of its subjects.
Similarly, performing artists are often accused of not having to create from the abstract. Music, dance choreograpy, actors’ lines and stage directions are acclaimed (from the critics’ point of view) as concrete instructions from which virtually “anyone with sufficient training” could bring to life the composer’s/playwright’s intentions. But it’s a funny thing. We rarely, if ever, see these critics on stage, interpreting what they say is so easy to interpret.
And what of the composers and playwrights? They’re the brave souls who created something from the blank page, just as their musicians and actors must bring to life the music and words that rest upon the pages of those once-blank scripts. Each and every one of these artists, for lack of a better term, is bringing the abstract to fruition. (Probably, incidentally, for little to no pay.)
All of which is to reiterate: Art exists simply for its own sake. This can’t be said about other human endeavors. That is, it cannot be said about intentional, conscious endeavors. The majority of human endeavors are concerned with cause and effect. More pecisely, they’re concerned with survival. Breathing, eating, digesting, sleeping – even impregnation – these activities could technically be, and have been, argued as having intentional components, but as history proves, they are in fact habitual. The same must be said for labor, government and even war. Most human endeavors strive for results. Most of the desired results are physical, monetary, or political. In other words, most human endeavor is practical. But even though artistic endeavor also strives for some sort of result, the intended result -- no matter how practical -- is rarely practical. Art prefers to engage emotion. Art, for better or worse, doesn’t care what it stands to profit; it merely wants to remind us that we’re alive.
Entertainment strives for popularity and profit; Propoganda strives for political influence; but Art strives only for itself.
Within that social context, it’s only the crazy person who persues art. It’s only the dreamer who makes something out of nothing – for nothing. Nothing, that is, other than the sake of creating. Artists want little more than to create. Despite the best of their practical intentions (if they become encumbered by them), artists only wish to make something from nothing. If the feedback they receive sounds like, “Well, isn’t that great?” Well, then, all right! And if the feedback is more like, “That sucks!” Well, then, isn’t that all right, too?
In the long run, is there anything that exists that doesn’t make some sort of statement? Are we so self-absorbed a species that we can’t see meaning in anything? In everything?
That’s what artists are trying to tell us. That’s why I play favorites. I favor the artists. Not because I am one, but because without them, we might just lose sight of our very own God-liness. After all, there isn’t a culture we’ve discovered so far that hasn’t acknowledged this state of recognition; this state of awe; this very concept of existence for its very own sake. If there’s anything we know about humanity, after all this time and all this study, it’s that we all have an inherent appreciation for that from which we came, no matter how we perceive it – and a mutual respect for our own precarious condition.
And the most concise declaration of that realization is, at best and universally, enunciated by art.
Friday, May 06, 2005
I Can't Believe...
I can’t believe how ignorant men can be. I can’t believe how much insult they’ll tolerate just for the sake of getting their rocks off. I can’t believe what you can say to them and how you can walk away from their hard-ons, and they’ll still come back looking for more. I can’t believe you can tell them, “Look, I’m not in the mood,” but then they’ll try to bump and grind against you anyway. When they rub up against you with their boners, I can’t believe you can ask them, “Just what do you expect me to do with that?” I can’t believe they don’t realize you’re not listening to their answer. I can’t believe you can slap their crotches and spit, “Christ, almighty – are you hard again?!?”
I can’t believe you can take a slug of beer, or Vodka Tonic, or Sex on the Beach, or anything liquid – and spit it into their half-open mouths as they come to kiss you. I can’t believe they don’t understand that spitting into their mouths means you’re not into whatever they’re up to. I can’t believe how men can take anything – literally anything you do – and somehow find a way to get turned on by it.
“Whattya doin’?,” one guy asks me when he calls.
“I’m painting my bathroom,” I say, “and I’m covered in latex splotches.”
“Ohhhhhhhh,” he says, “Sounds hot.”
Hot. Everything’s hot to them. I can’t believe how they can find a way to make everything hot. Everything.
“Ohhhhhhhh,” one guy says to me as I’m giving him the finger and walking into the bathroom, “you’re so hot.” I can’t believe he thinks my giving him the finger while I’m about to take a piss is hot. When I come out, he’s fully hard. He’s jerking off. He says, “You’re so hot.”
“No I’m not,” I say, “I’m an asshole.” And I go to change the music, or to make another drink, or to cut another line, or something…
“No,” he says, “you’re hot.” I’m not even looking at him.
He keeps jerking off. I keep looking the other way. Finally I ask, “You close yet?” (I need to know ‘cuz I need to figure out when I’m gonna walk the dog.)
He asks, “You gonna help me?”
“Not likely,” I tell him. And I change the music, or make another drink, or cut another line, or something… I can’t believe a guy is sitting on my couch and jerking off when I’m not even remotely concerned.
But he’s a man, and I can’t believe how ignorant men can be. He keeps jerkin’ it. He keeps fondling his balls. And even though I’d rather he didn’t, he keeps talking…
“You’re so hot.”
“Can’t you find something else to say?”
“Whattya doin’?”
“I’m (changing the music, making another drink, cutting another line, or something…)”
“You want me to come?”
“I want you to go.”
“You’re so hot.”
“I’m not hot. I’m an asshole.”
“You’re a hot asshole.”
“If it’s that important to you…”
“I’m gonna come…”
“It’s about time…”
“I’m gonna come…”
“You already said that.”
“Christ, you’re hot.”
“Yeah, I’m hot. A hot asshole. You gonna come?”
“I’m gonna come…”
“Thank the Lord.”
“I’m gonna come…”
I can’t believe how many times guys will say the same fucking thing, just because they’re about to come.
“Well hurry up,” I tell him, “and don’t make a mess.” I can’t believe how much of a mess some of these guys can make…
“Uhhhhhhh…..”
It’s always the same thing. It’s always, “Uhhhhhhh…” I can’t believe how boring guys are when they come. It’s like, they’re trying to fill empty space.
And then they shut up. Then, they leave. They wipe off, get up, pull up their pants – and leave. They always leave.
That, I believe.
I can’t believe you can take a slug of beer, or Vodka Tonic, or Sex on the Beach, or anything liquid – and spit it into their half-open mouths as they come to kiss you. I can’t believe they don’t understand that spitting into their mouths means you’re not into whatever they’re up to. I can’t believe how men can take anything – literally anything you do – and somehow find a way to get turned on by it.
“Whattya doin’?,” one guy asks me when he calls.
“I’m painting my bathroom,” I say, “and I’m covered in latex splotches.”
“Ohhhhhhhh,” he says, “Sounds hot.”
Hot. Everything’s hot to them. I can’t believe how they can find a way to make everything hot. Everything.
“Ohhhhhhhh,” one guy says to me as I’m giving him the finger and walking into the bathroom, “you’re so hot.” I can’t believe he thinks my giving him the finger while I’m about to take a piss is hot. When I come out, he’s fully hard. He’s jerking off. He says, “You’re so hot.”
“No I’m not,” I say, “I’m an asshole.” And I go to change the music, or to make another drink, or to cut another line, or something…
“No,” he says, “you’re hot.” I’m not even looking at him.
He keeps jerking off. I keep looking the other way. Finally I ask, “You close yet?” (I need to know ‘cuz I need to figure out when I’m gonna walk the dog.)
He asks, “You gonna help me?”
“Not likely,” I tell him. And I change the music, or make another drink, or cut another line, or something… I can’t believe a guy is sitting on my couch and jerking off when I’m not even remotely concerned.
But he’s a man, and I can’t believe how ignorant men can be. He keeps jerkin’ it. He keeps fondling his balls. And even though I’d rather he didn’t, he keeps talking…
“You’re so hot.”
“Can’t you find something else to say?”
“Whattya doin’?”
“I’m (changing the music, making another drink, cutting another line, or something…)”
“You want me to come?”
“I want you to go.”
“You’re so hot.”
“I’m not hot. I’m an asshole.”
“You’re a hot asshole.”
“If it’s that important to you…”
“I’m gonna come…”
“It’s about time…”
“I’m gonna come…”
“You already said that.”
“Christ, you’re hot.”
“Yeah, I’m hot. A hot asshole. You gonna come?”
“I’m gonna come…”
“Thank the Lord.”
“I’m gonna come…”
I can’t believe how many times guys will say the same fucking thing, just because they’re about to come.
“Well hurry up,” I tell him, “and don’t make a mess.” I can’t believe how much of a mess some of these guys can make…
“Uhhhhhhh…..”
It’s always the same thing. It’s always, “Uhhhhhhh…” I can’t believe how boring guys are when they come. It’s like, they’re trying to fill empty space.
And then they shut up. Then, they leave. They wipe off, get up, pull up their pants – and leave. They always leave.
That, I believe.
Friday, April 29, 2005
I Ain't Gonna Beat Myself Up
It would be easy to scold myself for the way I’ve behaved over the past five months. I’m not gonna deny it: I’ve done nothing but party. Oh, sure, I’ve managed to check a couple of items off the home improvement list. But aside from that, my life since I started collecting Unemployment Insurance last December has been all about sleeping ‘til noon; figuring out where to go on any given night; priming myself with Martinis and pot; meeting cute boys who are way younger than I ever thought I’d be interested in; taking them home; and scoring coke to snort with them before we fuck.
It would be easy to view this binge of hedonism as a waste of time, but I’m not gonna go there. For long, I mean. Or more precisely, that’s not how I’m gonna let it stand on my permanent record.
Sure, I beat myself up every day, now that the golden goose is about to hit menopause and stop laying – but at the end of the day, I’m not having it. I’m not going to look at my first opportunity to live in New York without having to report to a demeaning position as some bourgeois snob’s assistant as a waste of time. In fact, the more I chastise myself, the more I realize how important this whole period has been.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda – how productive is that game in the long run? Ultimately it’s just another form of procrastination. The more I beat myself up for procrastinating, the more I’m procrastinating.
All I know is this: When I finally got a chance to sit in the apartment I’d been working on since February of ‘04, really getting a chance to look at the environment I’d created for myself, I became overwhelmed with how much I’d gone through just to get to that point. And I collapsed. I collapsed into someone who slept until noon and wondered what kind of things he should do now that he finally had the time to think about who he wanted to be now that he was in New York and didn’t have a day job.
Despite the neighborhood; despite the smelly chicken store next door; despite the crackhead in the hall and the dealers on the street corner, I decided I liked my new digs. This was an important revelation, because if I had decided I didn’t like the new digs – if I suddenly started to view them as some sort of desperate measure or mistake – then I could’ve triggered a major depression from which I might never have emerged. Luckily, I liked what I saw, in spite of the obvious flaws, and so I was able to turn my thoughts inward instead of projecting them onto my environment.
Turning my thoughts inward – THAT’s what started a low-grade depression, leading to prolonged partying. I thought I had it all planned. I thought I’d give myself December and January to just “check out” and party. But the party kept going… through February, through March, and on into April. But I have to say, here at the end of April, the partying has tapered down and I’m ready to face whatever’s next.
D’ya hear that, universe?!? I’m not afraid of having to get up at 6:00am again, if that’s what it takes. Of course I’d rather not have to do that, but on the other hand – I’m not so keen on continuing to sleep until noon. And until I’ve wrangled the appropriate connections in NY; until I’ve determined an exact plan of action; and most importantly, until I’ve secured the financial means to do whatever I want – well then, there’s nothing better for me to do than go land another JOB.
It doesn’t have to last long. I don’t have to take it seriously. But I’ve only just begun to establish my NY identity. I have a lot of work to do just to get to the point where I’m launching anything. In the meantime, I need to earn cash flow; I need to wrap up the home improvements; I need to take a writing workshop or two; and I need to apply for grad school.
I have a plan. Just because I didn’t set the world on fire in December doesn’t mean I’m going to fall on my face in May.
I’ve always been the sort of bird who foresees, vaguely, where he’ll be within any given amount of time. There’s always a +/- ratio, to be sure, but my inner voice is pretty dead-on. Truth be told, I knew all the way back in December that I wouldn’t emerge from this break into the long-term “place” I’d like to eventually inhabit here in New York. Instead, I foresaw it as exactly what it has turned out to be – a break, meaning an opportunity to take stock and get back into the headspace I inhabited way back in L.A., before I had to make this sudden move. It would be ridiculous to be hard on myself for not having taken over New York simply because I had six months of bare-bones checks in the mail to live off. Sure, other people might have played it differently, but guess what? At least half of that probable set would’ve partied even more, or watched even more TV, or even succumbed to total drug addiction. There’s no sense comparing myself to others, now is there? Especially if those others are only probabilities…
I played it the way I played it. May hindsight provide me with eventual 20/20.
It would be easy to view this binge of hedonism as a waste of time, but I’m not gonna go there. For long, I mean. Or more precisely, that’s not how I’m gonna let it stand on my permanent record.
Sure, I beat myself up every day, now that the golden goose is about to hit menopause and stop laying – but at the end of the day, I’m not having it. I’m not going to look at my first opportunity to live in New York without having to report to a demeaning position as some bourgeois snob’s assistant as a waste of time. In fact, the more I chastise myself, the more I realize how important this whole period has been.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda – how productive is that game in the long run? Ultimately it’s just another form of procrastination. The more I beat myself up for procrastinating, the more I’m procrastinating.
All I know is this: When I finally got a chance to sit in the apartment I’d been working on since February of ‘04, really getting a chance to look at the environment I’d created for myself, I became overwhelmed with how much I’d gone through just to get to that point. And I collapsed. I collapsed into someone who slept until noon and wondered what kind of things he should do now that he finally had the time to think about who he wanted to be now that he was in New York and didn’t have a day job.
Despite the neighborhood; despite the smelly chicken store next door; despite the crackhead in the hall and the dealers on the street corner, I decided I liked my new digs. This was an important revelation, because if I had decided I didn’t like the new digs – if I suddenly started to view them as some sort of desperate measure or mistake – then I could’ve triggered a major depression from which I might never have emerged. Luckily, I liked what I saw, in spite of the obvious flaws, and so I was able to turn my thoughts inward instead of projecting them onto my environment.
Turning my thoughts inward – THAT’s what started a low-grade depression, leading to prolonged partying. I thought I had it all planned. I thought I’d give myself December and January to just “check out” and party. But the party kept going… through February, through March, and on into April. But I have to say, here at the end of April, the partying has tapered down and I’m ready to face whatever’s next.
D’ya hear that, universe?!? I’m not afraid of having to get up at 6:00am again, if that’s what it takes. Of course I’d rather not have to do that, but on the other hand – I’m not so keen on continuing to sleep until noon. And until I’ve wrangled the appropriate connections in NY; until I’ve determined an exact plan of action; and most importantly, until I’ve secured the financial means to do whatever I want – well then, there’s nothing better for me to do than go land another JOB.
It doesn’t have to last long. I don’t have to take it seriously. But I’ve only just begun to establish my NY identity. I have a lot of work to do just to get to the point where I’m launching anything. In the meantime, I need to earn cash flow; I need to wrap up the home improvements; I need to take a writing workshop or two; and I need to apply for grad school.
I have a plan. Just because I didn’t set the world on fire in December doesn’t mean I’m going to fall on my face in May.
I’ve always been the sort of bird who foresees, vaguely, where he’ll be within any given amount of time. There’s always a +/- ratio, to be sure, but my inner voice is pretty dead-on. Truth be told, I knew all the way back in December that I wouldn’t emerge from this break into the long-term “place” I’d like to eventually inhabit here in New York. Instead, I foresaw it as exactly what it has turned out to be – a break, meaning an opportunity to take stock and get back into the headspace I inhabited way back in L.A., before I had to make this sudden move. It would be ridiculous to be hard on myself for not having taken over New York simply because I had six months of bare-bones checks in the mail to live off. Sure, other people might have played it differently, but guess what? At least half of that probable set would’ve partied even more, or watched even more TV, or even succumbed to total drug addiction. There’s no sense comparing myself to others, now is there? Especially if those others are only probabilities…
I played it the way I played it. May hindsight provide me with eventual 20/20.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Ordinary Flashes
We’ve all heard that when we die, our entire lives flash before our eyes. Some of us have even experienced this phenomenon, usually during potentially lethal accidents. And most of us have come to believe in this phenomenon, to the point where we expect it when the time finally comes for us to face the Grim Reaper – or at least when we have a serious accident. I think I believe in this phenomenon. I think I’m planning on experiencing a life-flash during my final moments on earth.
But has anybody else experienced mini-flashes, particularly as they’ve approached middle age? I have. It’s been happening for a while now, and there’s no apparent end in sight. I don’t mean to exclude other age groups. If you’re in your 20s, or even your 80s, or anywhere in between, and you’ve been having these flashes, well, we’ll just have to discuss your case separately. But in my case, this didn’t start happening until I hit my mid-30s. And I have a strong suspicion that it has something to do with entering the middle years.
What am I talking about? I’m talking about having sudden unexpected memories, completely unrelated to any matter at hand as I’m having them, for no apparent reason. Like, I’ll be running to catch a subway so I won’t be late for my 9-5 gig, and although my conscious mind is focused on running for the train, my subconscious mind – for some strange reason – wanders onto the shore of the Connecticut River in 1979, when I was a Freshman in high school. Michael McLaughlin is there. He’s my best friend. It’s 85 degrees on an August afternoon. We’re building a raft out of rusty barrels and driftwood, for no real reason other than we’re looking for an excuse to get naked amidst the mud. (Well it’s hot, for Chrissake, and we’re working in the mud. Nobody’s around. And we’re teenage males. We’ll find any excuse we can to get naked.)
My point is, here I am, 40 years old and living in New York. I’m running to catch a subway but my mind is on the Connecticut River in 1979. Nothing I’m looking at has triggered this recollection. Nothing I’m thinking about has anything to do with Michael McLaughlin or being a Freshman in high school. But for some weird reason, I’m remembering Michael’s akward naked body, splattered with river mud as he hammers 3” nails into a series of 2X4’s. Scrap 2X4’s, as akward in shape as Michael and myself are. I mean, were.
OK, so maybe that’s not a good example. Maybe it’s just a sexual fantasy of some sort. Maybe any memory having to do with naked teenage males won’t adequately describe what I’m trying to say, because anything having to do with naked teenage males can be easily categorized as mere erotic fodder. Fine. Be that way, you Freudians, you.
But what about this scenario: I’m at my desk at the previously-mentioned 9-5 gig. I’m multi-tasking like you wouldn’t believe. I’m on the phone with a hotel in Europe, making reservations for my boss, and I’m simultaneously surfing the web for cheap antibiotics for my dog, who’s suffering from a urinary tract infection. My mouth is enquiring about total Euro amounts but my brain is calculating total U.S. dollars including 8.5% New York State tax. And somehow, even though I would never think I’d have the mind capacity to think about something else at the moment, my mind wanders off to the time when, not that long ago, I ate a Prix Fixe lunch at a local French restaurant – throwing budgetary caution to the wind.
“Well, that’s a work break fantasy,” you might say, leaving it at that. Or maybe you support your argument by drawing a parallel between my being on the phone with Europe and my having recently dined at a French restaurant. I suppose you wouldn’t be wrong, or at all off-base. (It’s becoming apparent to me that you have the easier task at hand in this diatribe. Perhaps it’s easier to draw corollaries when these wandering thoughts aren’t happening to you.)
But how old are you, might I ask? Are you anywhere near middle age? It’s OK if you’re not. I’m not trying to distance you. But I am trying to say this: I think there is a mid-life version of seeing your life flash before your eyes. And instead of happening suddenly, I think it occurs in brief flashes and spurts. If I’m the only one who’s been experiencing this, just let me know, but I think I’m onto something.
I think I understand why, as I’m drifting off to sleep, I suddenly find myself walking the streets of Paris just as I did when I was an exchange student in 1985. I think I know why I can be having sex with a hot man who should for all intents and purposes be the complete and utter focus of my attention, but for some reason I’ll choose that moment to mentally wander back to the day I painted my first apartment in Portland, Maine. I think I know why the past has taken to creeping into my present. It’s because I now have enough of a past to think about.
My ego would like to say I have enough of a past to “matter,” but let’s face it – it’s only enough to matter to me. But matter it does, apparently, as I go about my middle-aged life. My past, now that I’m in the middle of life, wants to matter. It’s craving context.
I can’t say that I blame it. I want context, too, both for my past and for my present.
Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I the only chronology fetishist out there? Or are other middle-aged folks feeling the tug of the non-sequitorial personal past tense, too? When I’m having one of these moments, if I have enough time to fully recognize them and then process them, I tend to think a few things. First I think, “Oh, my God, why am I remembering this right now?” Then I think, “Jesus Christ, I can’t believe how long ago that was.” Which inevitably leads to this conclusion: “Lord, Greg, but you’ve got a past. You’ve got so much past, it’s amazing you’ve still got a present.” And this eventually leads to the inner challenge, “So just what’s gonna come of all these experiences?”
Hopefully by now you can see why these recollections aren’t just a minor curiosity for me. I hope, if I’ve expressed myself adequately, that you can see how they lead me to self-questioning. They’re not just passing fancies; they’re attempts at self-understanding. They crave context. But more importantly, they crave meaning. I mean, doesn’t it rattle the brain? What’s the significance of two teenage boys building a raft, naked on the Connecticut River, in 1979? What does it matter that I blew the budget one week in 2004 and dined on a Prix Fixe menu near work?
What does anything any of us does matter, especially after we’ve had half a lifetime to do it in?
The memories are piling up, and they’re all trivial. It would appear that this life – now half over at best – has a multitude of remembrances, but they’re all banal. They’re regular. As much as I would like to believe they’re special, I have to admit that the bulk of my recollections are normal. They’re downright procedural, as viewed within the context of the development of a late 20th century American male. Yeah, they’re chock full of details, but what does that matter? The details all lead to an ineffectual present. They’re the details that make up my curious but ultimately ineffectual life. I can’t believe so much detail can go into so much uselessness.
This is the way I have come to think, now that I am middle-aged. This is how I view the culmination of my experiences as they appear to date. I see myself as the product of a multitude of memories: some wild – but most ordinary beyond need of description. In my youth I thought I was special, but age has shown me I’m just ordinary.
And I keep having these flashes to remind me so.
But has anybody else experienced mini-flashes, particularly as they’ve approached middle age? I have. It’s been happening for a while now, and there’s no apparent end in sight. I don’t mean to exclude other age groups. If you’re in your 20s, or even your 80s, or anywhere in between, and you’ve been having these flashes, well, we’ll just have to discuss your case separately. But in my case, this didn’t start happening until I hit my mid-30s. And I have a strong suspicion that it has something to do with entering the middle years.
What am I talking about? I’m talking about having sudden unexpected memories, completely unrelated to any matter at hand as I’m having them, for no apparent reason. Like, I’ll be running to catch a subway so I won’t be late for my 9-5 gig, and although my conscious mind is focused on running for the train, my subconscious mind – for some strange reason – wanders onto the shore of the Connecticut River in 1979, when I was a Freshman in high school. Michael McLaughlin is there. He’s my best friend. It’s 85 degrees on an August afternoon. We’re building a raft out of rusty barrels and driftwood, for no real reason other than we’re looking for an excuse to get naked amidst the mud. (Well it’s hot, for Chrissake, and we’re working in the mud. Nobody’s around. And we’re teenage males. We’ll find any excuse we can to get naked.)
My point is, here I am, 40 years old and living in New York. I’m running to catch a subway but my mind is on the Connecticut River in 1979. Nothing I’m looking at has triggered this recollection. Nothing I’m thinking about has anything to do with Michael McLaughlin or being a Freshman in high school. But for some weird reason, I’m remembering Michael’s akward naked body, splattered with river mud as he hammers 3” nails into a series of 2X4’s. Scrap 2X4’s, as akward in shape as Michael and myself are. I mean, were.
OK, so maybe that’s not a good example. Maybe it’s just a sexual fantasy of some sort. Maybe any memory having to do with naked teenage males won’t adequately describe what I’m trying to say, because anything having to do with naked teenage males can be easily categorized as mere erotic fodder. Fine. Be that way, you Freudians, you.
But what about this scenario: I’m at my desk at the previously-mentioned 9-5 gig. I’m multi-tasking like you wouldn’t believe. I’m on the phone with a hotel in Europe, making reservations for my boss, and I’m simultaneously surfing the web for cheap antibiotics for my dog, who’s suffering from a urinary tract infection. My mouth is enquiring about total Euro amounts but my brain is calculating total U.S. dollars including 8.5% New York State tax. And somehow, even though I would never think I’d have the mind capacity to think about something else at the moment, my mind wanders off to the time when, not that long ago, I ate a Prix Fixe lunch at a local French restaurant – throwing budgetary caution to the wind.
“Well, that’s a work break fantasy,” you might say, leaving it at that. Or maybe you support your argument by drawing a parallel between my being on the phone with Europe and my having recently dined at a French restaurant. I suppose you wouldn’t be wrong, or at all off-base. (It’s becoming apparent to me that you have the easier task at hand in this diatribe. Perhaps it’s easier to draw corollaries when these wandering thoughts aren’t happening to you.)
But how old are you, might I ask? Are you anywhere near middle age? It’s OK if you’re not. I’m not trying to distance you. But I am trying to say this: I think there is a mid-life version of seeing your life flash before your eyes. And instead of happening suddenly, I think it occurs in brief flashes and spurts. If I’m the only one who’s been experiencing this, just let me know, but I think I’m onto something.
I think I understand why, as I’m drifting off to sleep, I suddenly find myself walking the streets of Paris just as I did when I was an exchange student in 1985. I think I know why I can be having sex with a hot man who should for all intents and purposes be the complete and utter focus of my attention, but for some reason I’ll choose that moment to mentally wander back to the day I painted my first apartment in Portland, Maine. I think I know why the past has taken to creeping into my present. It’s because I now have enough of a past to think about.
My ego would like to say I have enough of a past to “matter,” but let’s face it – it’s only enough to matter to me. But matter it does, apparently, as I go about my middle-aged life. My past, now that I’m in the middle of life, wants to matter. It’s craving context.
I can’t say that I blame it. I want context, too, both for my past and for my present.
Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I the only chronology fetishist out there? Or are other middle-aged folks feeling the tug of the non-sequitorial personal past tense, too? When I’m having one of these moments, if I have enough time to fully recognize them and then process them, I tend to think a few things. First I think, “Oh, my God, why am I remembering this right now?” Then I think, “Jesus Christ, I can’t believe how long ago that was.” Which inevitably leads to this conclusion: “Lord, Greg, but you’ve got a past. You’ve got so much past, it’s amazing you’ve still got a present.” And this eventually leads to the inner challenge, “So just what’s gonna come of all these experiences?”
Hopefully by now you can see why these recollections aren’t just a minor curiosity for me. I hope, if I’ve expressed myself adequately, that you can see how they lead me to self-questioning. They’re not just passing fancies; they’re attempts at self-understanding. They crave context. But more importantly, they crave meaning. I mean, doesn’t it rattle the brain? What’s the significance of two teenage boys building a raft, naked on the Connecticut River, in 1979? What does it matter that I blew the budget one week in 2004 and dined on a Prix Fixe menu near work?
What does anything any of us does matter, especially after we’ve had half a lifetime to do it in?
The memories are piling up, and they’re all trivial. It would appear that this life – now half over at best – has a multitude of remembrances, but they’re all banal. They’re regular. As much as I would like to believe they’re special, I have to admit that the bulk of my recollections are normal. They’re downright procedural, as viewed within the context of the development of a late 20th century American male. Yeah, they’re chock full of details, but what does that matter? The details all lead to an ineffectual present. They’re the details that make up my curious but ultimately ineffectual life. I can’t believe so much detail can go into so much uselessness.
This is the way I have come to think, now that I am middle-aged. This is how I view the culmination of my experiences as they appear to date. I see myself as the product of a multitude of memories: some wild – but most ordinary beyond need of description. In my youth I thought I was special, but age has shown me I’m just ordinary.
And I keep having these flashes to remind me so.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
I Need a New Drug
It seems as though each new town I move to raises the stakes in terms of which drugs I do. In SF, it was all about pot. I did brownies, mainly. Once I’d made my break from the drudgery of 9-5, I started a marijuana excursion that would eventually bring me up to a brownie a day. Talk about the high life… But it was the way of the Bay Area – the pursuit of higher consciousness and all. Plus it helped me do my job. As a full-time sexworker, regularly ingesting a chemical that increased my sensual awareness and sexuality proved to be an effective career booster. THC was downright motivational. My love affair with pot went further than that, though. It got to the point where, through the lens of the herb, I couldn’t see anything but ridiculousness in just about everything our "Goddamned Western Patriarchal Society,” as I had come to know it, had created. Pot brought me to the brink of camp implosion. I became too cool to be happy, or to do just about anything other than continue being cool.
My getting drunk in San Francisco was limited to once a week and was attained with just a few beers or several glasses of wine. On festive occasions I would hit the hard liquor, in the form of Margaritas at a Mexican restaurant or Scorpion Bowls at the Tonga Room in the Fairmont, but that was about it for alcohol consumption during the SF phase.
In LA, I studied bartending, which put me on a direct course to Martiniville. The brownies persisted in affecting my consciousness, but they took a back seat to alcohol – the infamous curse of the working class. Soon after my stint with bartending, I re-entered corporate America, in the form of being an Executive Assistant for three female Ad Execs. That job steered me onto the course that serves so many of this great nation’s working class. Alcohol, the one and only church- and state-sanctified mind altering device, became my security blanket. Up until then, I had never thought I’d travel the same road as my functioning-alcoholic parents, becoming one myself. All through the years in San Francisco I thought I’d beaten those odds. I figured, “Better a stoner than a lush.” But thanks to the wonderfully isolated and overly critical city of Los Angeles, which provided me with ample time to wonder where a sensitive simpleton like myself could fit in, I was able to uncover a latent Irish gene. By the time I was ready to leave not only the job but also the city, I had been deemed a drunk.
And a drunk I was when I arrived at JFK in June of ’03. A drunk AND a stoner. That’s a California combination quite unprepared to meet the nitty-gritty, “This-is-it-so-roll-up-your-sleeves” New York mentality. But somehow I made it work. Cruising the East and West Villages at night, swaying back and forth from touristy overindulgence, I fit right in. As a tourist, that is. And there isn’t much difference between a new arrival and a tourist. That rule applies to all three cities I’m talking about. So I was able to ride out my initiation to New York via my two previously-established addictions. Pot got me high for the train ride in from Park Slope and booze kept my hands and mouth busy all night long.
Now I should mention here that the previous descriptions are not entire. Or should I say, they don’t list all of the chemicals I had induced up to those times in my life. Indeed, I had tried not only pot but also mescalin in high school; I had dabbled in acid during college and had also done my fair share of it in SF. SF had also introduced me to crystal meth, but at that point the stoner in me found it repugnant. I also felt this way about heroin. When I started losing as many friends to heroin, in the form of “speed bumps” (combination crystal and smack), as I had lost to AIDS over the previous years, I decided to leave SF for LA. I figured at least LA – the home of gay meth – had the ability to handle the vicious compound without rendering it lethal.
And so, right before I left Los Angeles forever, I faced its biggest demon head-on. I got into meth. Not on a weekly basis, or even a bi-monthly. But monthly, definitely. Just about every four weeks I rolled into the mood for a total pick-me-up. I had gotten into sexwork again, after over close to two years of not doing much of it, and the field had become infected with the insatiability of crystal. More and more potential clients were asking, “Do you party?” And that didn’t mean pot, or even cocaine.
I didn’t mind answering, “Yeah,” because I was curious. Despite my having declared a “No Tweeker” policy in San Francisco (and being able to adhere to it), I couldn’t help but notice that the face of the tweeker had changed over the five years I’d lived in LA. Sure, they were still tweeky, but they were more productive and less conspicuous – as messes, that is. In other words, you could spot them but they weren’t being the total hospital cases that they had been in the early years of meth. They looked cagey but not helpless. They had what LA strives to always have. They had style. Was it the town’s influence or was the drug changing? It was a little of both. Even though LA pushes for stylistic perfection, the drug had been noticably refined.
The meth I’d done in SF sent me reeling into a world of unrelenting and insipid thoughts. It was as if my inner Mother Critic (not to be confused with any nurturing Mother figure) had been given the mental floor, indefintiely. Thoughts like, “Maybe we should…” and “What if we…???” prevailed; indeed, they never ceased. It was a state of consciousness in maddening contradiction to every New Age Bay Area platitude I’d learned during my 10 years in the city. I was NOT in the moment. I was NOT at peace. I was NOWHERE NEAR omniscience or Nirvana. I was just busy with petty details. And that was when I was high. When I crashed, I wanted nothing less than escape from this thing we call life.
LA meth, while it did often send me on a similar high, didn’t bring me down to such a drastic crash. The life cycle of the drug had been modified – smoothed out – so as not to leave the participant suicidal (unless perhaps they’d been doing it for days on end and had suddenly stopped). And something about me had changed by the time I was exploring crystal in LA. I was once again performing petty duties on a daily basis, so entering that area of thought had become routine, which meant it no longer posed such a threat to my sensibility. In fact, meth became my task-oriented friend. Whenever I found myself faced with a mountian of filing or a garden that needed hoeing, I found myself wondering if Tina, as she had come to be known, might be able to lend a helping hand.
Damn if she didn’t! With my new friend Tina, I was able to take on any extensive project around the house. All I had to do was factor in two days for recovery (the second day is really just an extension of the first – it’s the day after the day after that’s a downer) and I was all set. But you see, this is because I’m one of what I hear is a minority within the gay male world. I’m one of the task-oriented tweekers. That means I prefer to use crystal for projects instead of for three-day long binges at bath houses. Apparently the majority of gay men find Tina to be more suitable as a dance partner and a sex facilitator.
Boy, but how I do NOT envy the majority of gay men.
Anyway, lest you think my move to NY has rendered me a crystal queen, I should let you know, it hasn’t. While I have embarked on a few crystal trips, it has (almost) always been for the purpose of getting projects done. After all, turning a tiny studio apartment on the edge of Bushwick and next to a live poultry store into something inhabitable – even by bohemian standards – isn’t easy. While the paint is drying, or after the wood has been cut and the sawdust swept up, that’s when I sit in the tub and ponder as only a tweeker can. Something about having been productive for 24-48 hours up until that point makes it easier to come down, so I do, without thoughts of suicide. Because I have the fruit of my labor to keep me content.
No, the drug I’ve encountered here in NYC isn’t crystal – it’s good old fashioned coke. When I started visiting with the intention of exploring for potential relocation, it came as quite a surprise to my West Hollywood conditioning, to be honest, when NY guys would offer me a line. “Oh, cocaine,” I would say, “how retro.” I wasn’t being completely bitchy. I was truly warmed over with nostalgia for the days of Studio 54. It appeared to me, as it still appears to me, that New York doesn’t want to let go of that era.
There’s something precious about cocaine. I can’t put my finger on it. So brief, yet so high. So crisp in comparison to pot. Sure, that’s what the Tina freaks insist about their drug of choice, but Tina is such a commitment. With coke, you can have your intensity and still go to work the next day. Coke is the mocha cappuccino of narcotics. When done in moderation, it lifts you up without rendering you useless. And its reputation for brevity is a myth. If you’re sensitive enough, you can feel cocaine for hours, not just 20 minutes.
Coke puts you in touch with your inner achiever – politely, as opposed to the gruffness of crystal. Coke opens your eyes and enhances your sensuality. Coke lifts you up where you belong. Coke is OK. And when you do it all night, it leaves you so damned horny you can’t think straight. (Or even “assimilationist gay,” for that matter…)
I’m no fool. I know that when I came to New York, coke didn’t find me. I found it. The intensity of the city made me instantly crave a higher high. And like I said: for me, that higher high can’t be found in crystal. I had to have the real thing. I had to have what I’d put off doing the entire time I lived on the west coast. Thank the gods ‘80s retro is alive and well here in NYC, 'cuz I’m ready for it. I’ve been wanting to take this ride for 20 fucking years -- since the '80s themselves.
LA can never come close to NY. Neither can my beloved SF. Here, I have a need that I never had in either of those towns. And I can’t be the only one with that need, ‘cuz I keep getting offers to do more lines…
So I need a new drug. And I’ve found it. Let’s just hope, despite the odds, that it doesn’t dominate my psychological landscape the way the previous fuckers have. After all, I still have them to fall back on.
My getting drunk in San Francisco was limited to once a week and was attained with just a few beers or several glasses of wine. On festive occasions I would hit the hard liquor, in the form of Margaritas at a Mexican restaurant or Scorpion Bowls at the Tonga Room in the Fairmont, but that was about it for alcohol consumption during the SF phase.
In LA, I studied bartending, which put me on a direct course to Martiniville. The brownies persisted in affecting my consciousness, but they took a back seat to alcohol – the infamous curse of the working class. Soon after my stint with bartending, I re-entered corporate America, in the form of being an Executive Assistant for three female Ad Execs. That job steered me onto the course that serves so many of this great nation’s working class. Alcohol, the one and only church- and state-sanctified mind altering device, became my security blanket. Up until then, I had never thought I’d travel the same road as my functioning-alcoholic parents, becoming one myself. All through the years in San Francisco I thought I’d beaten those odds. I figured, “Better a stoner than a lush.” But thanks to the wonderfully isolated and overly critical city of Los Angeles, which provided me with ample time to wonder where a sensitive simpleton like myself could fit in, I was able to uncover a latent Irish gene. By the time I was ready to leave not only the job but also the city, I had been deemed a drunk.
And a drunk I was when I arrived at JFK in June of ’03. A drunk AND a stoner. That’s a California combination quite unprepared to meet the nitty-gritty, “This-is-it-so-roll-up-your-sleeves” New York mentality. But somehow I made it work. Cruising the East and West Villages at night, swaying back and forth from touristy overindulgence, I fit right in. As a tourist, that is. And there isn’t much difference between a new arrival and a tourist. That rule applies to all three cities I’m talking about. So I was able to ride out my initiation to New York via my two previously-established addictions. Pot got me high for the train ride in from Park Slope and booze kept my hands and mouth busy all night long.
Now I should mention here that the previous descriptions are not entire. Or should I say, they don’t list all of the chemicals I had induced up to those times in my life. Indeed, I had tried not only pot but also mescalin in high school; I had dabbled in acid during college and had also done my fair share of it in SF. SF had also introduced me to crystal meth, but at that point the stoner in me found it repugnant. I also felt this way about heroin. When I started losing as many friends to heroin, in the form of “speed bumps” (combination crystal and smack), as I had lost to AIDS over the previous years, I decided to leave SF for LA. I figured at least LA – the home of gay meth – had the ability to handle the vicious compound without rendering it lethal.
And so, right before I left Los Angeles forever, I faced its biggest demon head-on. I got into meth. Not on a weekly basis, or even a bi-monthly. But monthly, definitely. Just about every four weeks I rolled into the mood for a total pick-me-up. I had gotten into sexwork again, after over close to two years of not doing much of it, and the field had become infected with the insatiability of crystal. More and more potential clients were asking, “Do you party?” And that didn’t mean pot, or even cocaine.
I didn’t mind answering, “Yeah,” because I was curious. Despite my having declared a “No Tweeker” policy in San Francisco (and being able to adhere to it), I couldn’t help but notice that the face of the tweeker had changed over the five years I’d lived in LA. Sure, they were still tweeky, but they were more productive and less conspicuous – as messes, that is. In other words, you could spot them but they weren’t being the total hospital cases that they had been in the early years of meth. They looked cagey but not helpless. They had what LA strives to always have. They had style. Was it the town’s influence or was the drug changing? It was a little of both. Even though LA pushes for stylistic perfection, the drug had been noticably refined.
The meth I’d done in SF sent me reeling into a world of unrelenting and insipid thoughts. It was as if my inner Mother Critic (not to be confused with any nurturing Mother figure) had been given the mental floor, indefintiely. Thoughts like, “Maybe we should…” and “What if we…???” prevailed; indeed, they never ceased. It was a state of consciousness in maddening contradiction to every New Age Bay Area platitude I’d learned during my 10 years in the city. I was NOT in the moment. I was NOT at peace. I was NOWHERE NEAR omniscience or Nirvana. I was just busy with petty details. And that was when I was high. When I crashed, I wanted nothing less than escape from this thing we call life.
LA meth, while it did often send me on a similar high, didn’t bring me down to such a drastic crash. The life cycle of the drug had been modified – smoothed out – so as not to leave the participant suicidal (unless perhaps they’d been doing it for days on end and had suddenly stopped). And something about me had changed by the time I was exploring crystal in LA. I was once again performing petty duties on a daily basis, so entering that area of thought had become routine, which meant it no longer posed such a threat to my sensibility. In fact, meth became my task-oriented friend. Whenever I found myself faced with a mountian of filing or a garden that needed hoeing, I found myself wondering if Tina, as she had come to be known, might be able to lend a helping hand.
Damn if she didn’t! With my new friend Tina, I was able to take on any extensive project around the house. All I had to do was factor in two days for recovery (the second day is really just an extension of the first – it’s the day after the day after that’s a downer) and I was all set. But you see, this is because I’m one of what I hear is a minority within the gay male world. I’m one of the task-oriented tweekers. That means I prefer to use crystal for projects instead of for three-day long binges at bath houses. Apparently the majority of gay men find Tina to be more suitable as a dance partner and a sex facilitator.
Boy, but how I do NOT envy the majority of gay men.
Anyway, lest you think my move to NY has rendered me a crystal queen, I should let you know, it hasn’t. While I have embarked on a few crystal trips, it has (almost) always been for the purpose of getting projects done. After all, turning a tiny studio apartment on the edge of Bushwick and next to a live poultry store into something inhabitable – even by bohemian standards – isn’t easy. While the paint is drying, or after the wood has been cut and the sawdust swept up, that’s when I sit in the tub and ponder as only a tweeker can. Something about having been productive for 24-48 hours up until that point makes it easier to come down, so I do, without thoughts of suicide. Because I have the fruit of my labor to keep me content.
No, the drug I’ve encountered here in NYC isn’t crystal – it’s good old fashioned coke. When I started visiting with the intention of exploring for potential relocation, it came as quite a surprise to my West Hollywood conditioning, to be honest, when NY guys would offer me a line. “Oh, cocaine,” I would say, “how retro.” I wasn’t being completely bitchy. I was truly warmed over with nostalgia for the days of Studio 54. It appeared to me, as it still appears to me, that New York doesn’t want to let go of that era.
There’s something precious about cocaine. I can’t put my finger on it. So brief, yet so high. So crisp in comparison to pot. Sure, that’s what the Tina freaks insist about their drug of choice, but Tina is such a commitment. With coke, you can have your intensity and still go to work the next day. Coke is the mocha cappuccino of narcotics. When done in moderation, it lifts you up without rendering you useless. And its reputation for brevity is a myth. If you’re sensitive enough, you can feel cocaine for hours, not just 20 minutes.
Coke puts you in touch with your inner achiever – politely, as opposed to the gruffness of crystal. Coke opens your eyes and enhances your sensuality. Coke lifts you up where you belong. Coke is OK. And when you do it all night, it leaves you so damned horny you can’t think straight. (Or even “assimilationist gay,” for that matter…)
I’m no fool. I know that when I came to New York, coke didn’t find me. I found it. The intensity of the city made me instantly crave a higher high. And like I said: for me, that higher high can’t be found in crystal. I had to have the real thing. I had to have what I’d put off doing the entire time I lived on the west coast. Thank the gods ‘80s retro is alive and well here in NYC, 'cuz I’m ready for it. I’ve been wanting to take this ride for 20 fucking years -- since the '80s themselves.
LA can never come close to NY. Neither can my beloved SF. Here, I have a need that I never had in either of those towns. And I can’t be the only one with that need, ‘cuz I keep getting offers to do more lines…
So I need a new drug. And I’ve found it. Let’s just hope, despite the odds, that it doesn’t dominate my psychological landscape the way the previous fuckers have. After all, I still have them to fall back on.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Time for Timer
Late Baby Boomers and early X-Genner’s might remember a certain Saturday morning cartoon character who looked like a chunk of cheddar cheese with spindly arms and legs. He appeared in between shows like Scooby-Doo and The Super Friends, filling up what would otherwise have been dead air. I’m sure his producers claimed he performed Public Service Announcements, but neither myself nor my cohorts were ever very convinced that we couldn’t live without his recipe for “Sunshine on a Stick” or the dietary recommendations of his virtually eponymous “Hanker for a Hunk of Cheese.” But this we did know: when the previous show was over and you heard his scratcy voice, it was defintiely “Time for Timer.”*
I never really knew what that meant, but after hearing it a few thousand times, it took on a meaning of its own. I came to view it as a moment of reflection. A time out. A chance to learn something new that I could potentially put to use in my own life.
So even to this day, whenever I sense the need for a moment of reflection, I hear that little bugger’s scratcy voice, and if conditions prove right – I take Time for Timer…
There is less than a week left in March, 2005 and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. Sure, I’ve got ideas, but they’re muddy. They’re mired in uncertainty, ignorance and self-doubt. The uncertainty relates to my inability to be sure of any course of action, as in, “Do I really want that?” The ignorance pertains to my being new in NY, and not knowing whether I can earn enough per month with any given plan. The self-doubt needs no explanation. It’s the same-ol’, same’-ol’ that’s haunted me all my life. [Insert parent-blaming, pseudo-sociological and/or homosexual oppression psycho babble here? I’d rather not, thank you. I’ve been around all those blocks enough times to realize I’m responsible for my life at this point.]
I realized, during a meth-induced self-therapy session in the bathtub a few days ago (the water having been drained but my naked self still sitting there, pondering out loud… some people sing in the shower; I process in the tub), that I was holding back from even imagining my perfect life here in NYC, as if I’d finally become irrevocably convinced that I didn’t deserve anything remotely close to it. The four months of partying had been my subconscious saying, “Live it up now, ‘cuz when the Unemployment runs out in May, you know you’re just going to have to land yet another crappy Admin job to make ends meet…”
BLECH! Talk about “stinkin’ thinkin’!
Truth is, if I had some sort of plan – one that I actually believed in – to put into action right now, then it wouldn’t be too late to have at least part of my ideal NYC life up and running by the time the UI runs out. The key right now would be to find some form of self-employment (that needs little start up capital) or some freelance (e.g.: 1099’d) gigs. Or something completely under the table. But what do I have to offer?
Say “hello” to self-doubt.
This much I know: between the market being flooded, having recently turned 40 and just plain being over it as a lifestyle, sexwork will not serve any purpose other than an extra $500+ per month. Which is great. I still enjoy it on a part-time basis, and I can mold my lifestyle so that “pocket money” comes from that source.
So, where’s the other $2,000 – the minimum I need to stay afloat – going to come from?
Can you believe I can exist on that little? Can you believe I’m having trouble figuring out how to manifest it??? (Did you already meet my friend, self-doubt? Sorry. Busy party here in Demon-hood.)
The possibilities include: bartending, teaching ESL, tutoring, or taking some 30K per year Editorial Assistant job somewhere back in publishing (10K less than I earned on the sales end).
And what of combination platter options? What about $1,000 per month bartending combined with $1,000 per month teaching/tutoring? Sounds OK, but I think the scheduling would become nightmarish… The thing about bartending is the schedule it throws you onto. I’m OK with it, but only if I’m doing nothing but it and whoring (and taking writing workshops and fostering that aspect of my life).
Hmmm. This is the same conclusion I came to during that bath tub therapy session: bartending is the answer. That + whoring = the lifestyle Greg would really like and could really use AT THIS TIME. It doesn’t have to be a career plan or a long-term solution. It doesn’t have to be the feature show. But for now, it would keep the party going – safely – and it would keep the bills paid. And the party I’m referring to isn’t the chaotic ride we’ve been on these past four months; it’s the steady one that introduces me to NY nightlife and the gay, theatrical contacts I so desperately need to meet.
Wait, wait: I think I hear a scratcy cartoon voice saying, “Hey, kid! Whip up a bartending resume and hit list, before time’s up!”
OK, Timer.
[*Go to http://www.angelfire.com/retro/gartwo/ if you want a peek.]
I never really knew what that meant, but after hearing it a few thousand times, it took on a meaning of its own. I came to view it as a moment of reflection. A time out. A chance to learn something new that I could potentially put to use in my own life.
So even to this day, whenever I sense the need for a moment of reflection, I hear that little bugger’s scratcy voice, and if conditions prove right – I take Time for Timer…
There is less than a week left in March, 2005 and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. Sure, I’ve got ideas, but they’re muddy. They’re mired in uncertainty, ignorance and self-doubt. The uncertainty relates to my inability to be sure of any course of action, as in, “Do I really want that?” The ignorance pertains to my being new in NY, and not knowing whether I can earn enough per month with any given plan. The self-doubt needs no explanation. It’s the same-ol’, same’-ol’ that’s haunted me all my life. [Insert parent-blaming, pseudo-sociological and/or homosexual oppression psycho babble here? I’d rather not, thank you. I’ve been around all those blocks enough times to realize I’m responsible for my life at this point.]
I realized, during a meth-induced self-therapy session in the bathtub a few days ago (the water having been drained but my naked self still sitting there, pondering out loud… some people sing in the shower; I process in the tub), that I was holding back from even imagining my perfect life here in NYC, as if I’d finally become irrevocably convinced that I didn’t deserve anything remotely close to it. The four months of partying had been my subconscious saying, “Live it up now, ‘cuz when the Unemployment runs out in May, you know you’re just going to have to land yet another crappy Admin job to make ends meet…”
BLECH! Talk about “stinkin’ thinkin’!
Truth is, if I had some sort of plan – one that I actually believed in – to put into action right now, then it wouldn’t be too late to have at least part of my ideal NYC life up and running by the time the UI runs out. The key right now would be to find some form of self-employment (that needs little start up capital) or some freelance (e.g.: 1099’d) gigs. Or something completely under the table. But what do I have to offer?
Say “hello” to self-doubt.
This much I know: between the market being flooded, having recently turned 40 and just plain being over it as a lifestyle, sexwork will not serve any purpose other than an extra $500+ per month. Which is great. I still enjoy it on a part-time basis, and I can mold my lifestyle so that “pocket money” comes from that source.
So, where’s the other $2,000 – the minimum I need to stay afloat – going to come from?
Can you believe I can exist on that little? Can you believe I’m having trouble figuring out how to manifest it??? (Did you already meet my friend, self-doubt? Sorry. Busy party here in Demon-hood.)
The possibilities include: bartending, teaching ESL, tutoring, or taking some 30K per year Editorial Assistant job somewhere back in publishing (10K less than I earned on the sales end).
And what of combination platter options? What about $1,000 per month bartending combined with $1,000 per month teaching/tutoring? Sounds OK, but I think the scheduling would become nightmarish… The thing about bartending is the schedule it throws you onto. I’m OK with it, but only if I’m doing nothing but it and whoring (and taking writing workshops and fostering that aspect of my life).
Hmmm. This is the same conclusion I came to during that bath tub therapy session: bartending is the answer. That + whoring = the lifestyle Greg would really like and could really use AT THIS TIME. It doesn’t have to be a career plan or a long-term solution. It doesn’t have to be the feature show. But for now, it would keep the party going – safely – and it would keep the bills paid. And the party I’m referring to isn’t the chaotic ride we’ve been on these past four months; it’s the steady one that introduces me to NY nightlife and the gay, theatrical contacts I so desperately need to meet.
Wait, wait: I think I hear a scratcy cartoon voice saying, “Hey, kid! Whip up a bartending resume and hit list, before time’s up!”
OK, Timer.
[*Go to http://www.angelfire.com/retro/gartwo/ if you want a peek.]
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Look, This Ain't Gonna Be As Neat As We'd Like It
This is a journal blog. I could try to get my journal entries all in order and over-edit them before hitting "publish," or I could do what I'm really supposed to do as a writer and get right to it. No perfect chronology required. If one comes up somewhere down the line 'cuz I'm finally inthe mood to get it down, fine. But for now I've gotta sort out my thoughts. So bear with me and you'll pick up the pieces of the jigsaw puzzzle that is my life as we go along.
Nyeah.
Nyeah.
It Only Takes a Minute, Dude (to change your ways, to change your ways)
Happy Spring.
Here in NY they’ve got a new radio station, “The Mix,” 102.7 FM. Been listening to it. They play dance hits “through the decades.” They bring out a lot of the stuff I came out to back in ’83. Weird to hear that shit on a NY radio station these days…
One of the oldies they love to play again and again is “It Only Takes a Minute, Babe” (to fall in love/to fall in love). It wasn’t the chorus that caught my attention as I heard the tune last week whilst getting ready to go out, or something. It was one of the first verses. They talk of some girl who’s “spending time in the unemployment line...” Then there’s a line, “Winter’s gonna turn to spring, and still you haven’t done a thing.”
OUCH.
What all that has to do with falling in love, I’ll never know. But the line stings just the same, ‘cuz it’s hitting home right now. Here at 92 Moore St., while love isn’t high on my present list of priorities, finding steady income and getting my artistic ass in gear once again are at the top of it. And at the beginning of winter I had a chance to start, but winter has turned to spring, and – well, you can see where this is heading…
This feels like one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I have to rise up from the over-partied inertia I’ve fallen into over the past three months. 90 days, in business terms. Which wouldn’t be that bad, if I can put an end to it now. That’s the hard part. I can see what I have to do, but I’m resisting doing it. Guess that’s the nature of inertia.
I finally made a schedule the other day, for the rest of March. It says I should be getting up at 10:00 to walk the dog, then journaling at 11:00. Today, the first day of the new schedule, I got up at 10:00; I pissed, and then immediately went back to bed until my regularly-scheduled wake-up time of noon. So now I’m journaling at 1:00 instead of 11:00.
Y’know what? I’m not gonna beat myself up. At least I’m journaling. After this, I’m supposed to shit-shower-shave and then go to the gym. And again, y’know what? That’s exactly what I’m going to do, unless the phone rings with massage biz.
Winter has turned to spring, and yeah, it feels like I haven’t done a thing. But I’m sure if I analyzed it well enough or even resorted to rationalization, I’d find something to claim to have accomplished during the bleak winter of ‘04/’05. Let me put it this way: When I think of what I went through beginning May, ’03 and running up through November, ’04 – I can’t believe I didn’t have a breakdown of some sort. I ran on sheer will that entire time. I made a transcontinental move on a budget of $3,000 plus another $3,000 in the form of a fully-drained, taxable-at-40% IRA. I came here with just a suitcase, surfing friends’ couches until I landed a (and I can’t believe I did this at this point in my life, after living alone and loving it for close to 10 years) roommate situation. Then I landed another 9-5 job, which I hated from the get-go and which would have been viewed as high-pressure and stupid by any sensibility, let alone my artistic one. I slaved away for egomaniacal bourgeois fools for close to a year and a half, after having already done that (and vowing never to do it again) for two years in LA. And while I performed said slavery, I also managed to find an apartment of my own (no easy feat in NY when one is new to town, has bad credit and has a dog), and renovate it to a manageable status via doing construction and painting every weekend for six months. In other words, with the exception of one or two weekends “off,” I worked 7 days a week for over six months. If I wasn’t donning the white collar and tie Monday through Friday, I was donning the overalls Saturday and Sunday. I never stopped. Like I said, I was running on sheer will.
First came me, with a suitcase. Then came the roommate scenario. Then, six months later came the dog (I had left him with my ex until I could get him to NY). Then came an apartment of my own. Then came the renovations. Then came the furniture that I had been storing in LA. Then came my 40th birthday party, complete with folks from the west coast. It was the move that took a year and a half.
And then, mercifully, came the end of the fucking job.
So when I got the opportunity of living off Unemployment for six months, I shut down. What a surprise. It was the holidays, after all, and I had to go to MA anyway (another set of emotional circumstances – also draining), so I argued: why not celebrate? And celebrate I did. All through December and January, and then into February and even into the beginning of March, it was party-party-party. I fell into a party vortex that I am now having some difficulty separating myself from.
Despite my inner critic’s desire to be hard on myself and wish I’d “hit the ground running” in some sort of manner that would have contributed to artistic pursuits or self-employment opportunities, I feel like I’m right on track. Sure, other people might have gotten right to something. And then again, still other people would never have left the bed. I have been processing NY in my own way, which is the only way I have, Goddammit. I needed time in the party realm to learn about the nightlife, which is a big part of my genre and milieu. I still have much to explore. I still have much to do.
During the last days of the fucking job, as we call it, whenever people would ask me what I planned to do next, my retort was: “Well, first I’m going to escape to my own thoughts for a while.” I meant it. And this is how I went about it.
NEXT.
Here in NY they’ve got a new radio station, “The Mix,” 102.7 FM. Been listening to it. They play dance hits “through the decades.” They bring out a lot of the stuff I came out to back in ’83. Weird to hear that shit on a NY radio station these days…
One of the oldies they love to play again and again is “It Only Takes a Minute, Babe” (to fall in love/to fall in love). It wasn’t the chorus that caught my attention as I heard the tune last week whilst getting ready to go out, or something. It was one of the first verses. They talk of some girl who’s “spending time in the unemployment line...” Then there’s a line, “Winter’s gonna turn to spring, and still you haven’t done a thing.”
OUCH.
What all that has to do with falling in love, I’ll never know. But the line stings just the same, ‘cuz it’s hitting home right now. Here at 92 Moore St., while love isn’t high on my present list of priorities, finding steady income and getting my artistic ass in gear once again are at the top of it. And at the beginning of winter I had a chance to start, but winter has turned to spring, and – well, you can see where this is heading…
This feels like one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I have to rise up from the over-partied inertia I’ve fallen into over the past three months. 90 days, in business terms. Which wouldn’t be that bad, if I can put an end to it now. That’s the hard part. I can see what I have to do, but I’m resisting doing it. Guess that’s the nature of inertia.
I finally made a schedule the other day, for the rest of March. It says I should be getting up at 10:00 to walk the dog, then journaling at 11:00. Today, the first day of the new schedule, I got up at 10:00; I pissed, and then immediately went back to bed until my regularly-scheduled wake-up time of noon. So now I’m journaling at 1:00 instead of 11:00.
Y’know what? I’m not gonna beat myself up. At least I’m journaling. After this, I’m supposed to shit-shower-shave and then go to the gym. And again, y’know what? That’s exactly what I’m going to do, unless the phone rings with massage biz.
Winter has turned to spring, and yeah, it feels like I haven’t done a thing. But I’m sure if I analyzed it well enough or even resorted to rationalization, I’d find something to claim to have accomplished during the bleak winter of ‘04/’05. Let me put it this way: When I think of what I went through beginning May, ’03 and running up through November, ’04 – I can’t believe I didn’t have a breakdown of some sort. I ran on sheer will that entire time. I made a transcontinental move on a budget of $3,000 plus another $3,000 in the form of a fully-drained, taxable-at-40% IRA. I came here with just a suitcase, surfing friends’ couches until I landed a (and I can’t believe I did this at this point in my life, after living alone and loving it for close to 10 years) roommate situation. Then I landed another 9-5 job, which I hated from the get-go and which would have been viewed as high-pressure and stupid by any sensibility, let alone my artistic one. I slaved away for egomaniacal bourgeois fools for close to a year and a half, after having already done that (and vowing never to do it again) for two years in LA. And while I performed said slavery, I also managed to find an apartment of my own (no easy feat in NY when one is new to town, has bad credit and has a dog), and renovate it to a manageable status via doing construction and painting every weekend for six months. In other words, with the exception of one or two weekends “off,” I worked 7 days a week for over six months. If I wasn’t donning the white collar and tie Monday through Friday, I was donning the overalls Saturday and Sunday. I never stopped. Like I said, I was running on sheer will.
First came me, with a suitcase. Then came the roommate scenario. Then, six months later came the dog (I had left him with my ex until I could get him to NY). Then came an apartment of my own. Then came the renovations. Then came the furniture that I had been storing in LA. Then came my 40th birthday party, complete with folks from the west coast. It was the move that took a year and a half.
And then, mercifully, came the end of the fucking job.
So when I got the opportunity of living off Unemployment for six months, I shut down. What a surprise. It was the holidays, after all, and I had to go to MA anyway (another set of emotional circumstances – also draining), so I argued: why not celebrate? And celebrate I did. All through December and January, and then into February and even into the beginning of March, it was party-party-party. I fell into a party vortex that I am now having some difficulty separating myself from.
Despite my inner critic’s desire to be hard on myself and wish I’d “hit the ground running” in some sort of manner that would have contributed to artistic pursuits or self-employment opportunities, I feel like I’m right on track. Sure, other people might have gotten right to something. And then again, still other people would never have left the bed. I have been processing NY in my own way, which is the only way I have, Goddammit. I needed time in the party realm to learn about the nightlife, which is a big part of my genre and milieu. I still have much to explore. I still have much to do.
During the last days of the fucking job, as we call it, whenever people would ask me what I planned to do next, my retort was: “Well, first I’m going to escape to my own thoughts for a while.” I meant it. And this is how I went about it.
NEXT.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Too Much Background Info
I found myself saying to a friend on the phone the other day, "The thing about me is, in order to be understood, I require too much background information." It wasn't as narcissistic as it sounds, because the background info I was referring to has more to do with certain jumps and leaps in consciousness that I consider myself to have made over the years than it does with the obligatory nitty-gritty stats and details that folks tend to spew at each other when they first meet, or when they're referring to others.
OK, I guess that's still narcissistic, to think that people have to understand your alleged development in order to truly understand you...
What I meant by what I said to my friend (if you're still with me -- and I would much appreciate that, not out of narcissism but because I do tend to make a point in everything I write, so who knows? -- maybe you'll get a kick out of my point) was that I have a hard time embarking upon typical introductory conversations. Whether I'm at a party, or a bar, or heck -- even at a job interview, I can't stand having to explain myself.
Whenever I meet someone new, if they express any interest whatsoever in finding out who I am, I find myself sighing and wondering which is the fastest route to the explanantion. Do I laugh myself off and declare, "Shit, I'm just an aging slacker," or do I take a more, "Well, this has been my journey so far" stance, thereby requiring more time -- and effort -- for everybody -- to explain said journey? Usually at that point in the conversation, I look for a distraction. I comment on something the person is wearing, or I ask what they're drinking. Many times I've been know to simply make a beeline for the bar. (Screw whatever they're drinking. They can refill it themselves.)
The truth is, if there was an easy way for me to satisfactorily tell you who I think I am, I would have found it by now. But despite having been rasied on television and radio, and despite having been influenced by the media all my life, and even despite what I consider to be a pretty good ability to slap a sound byte onto just about anything or any situation, I have yet to be able to come up with a reasonable sound byte to describe myself. I guess that's what we have other people for. But I'm not all that eager to hear what my cohorts' soundbytes sound like, because I'm pretty sure they sound negative. They can't help it. My cohorts, that is. God knows the majority of the sound bytes that come out of my mouth are bitchy. Y'think I'm the only one?
On the other hand, there's nothing (or at least, little) my cohorts could or have said about me, however bitchy, that I haven't thought or said about myself. I am my worst critic. Maybe that's why I can't come up with a satisfactory way to introduce myself. Perhaps all that excessive prerequisite introductory information is a crutch of sorts, that I hide behind to keep from presenting myself to the world. I mean, it's not as if I don't expect folks to have some sort of byte ready for me when I ask them about themselves, now is it?
Gee. I guess I see my narcissism and I raise myself one introductory sound byte.
But I'll need some time to reflect on that.
--- end report ---
OK, I guess that's still narcissistic, to think that people have to understand your alleged development in order to truly understand you...
What I meant by what I said to my friend (if you're still with me -- and I would much appreciate that, not out of narcissism but because I do tend to make a point in everything I write, so who knows? -- maybe you'll get a kick out of my point) was that I have a hard time embarking upon typical introductory conversations. Whether I'm at a party, or a bar, or heck -- even at a job interview, I can't stand having to explain myself.
Whenever I meet someone new, if they express any interest whatsoever in finding out who I am, I find myself sighing and wondering which is the fastest route to the explanantion. Do I laugh myself off and declare, "Shit, I'm just an aging slacker," or do I take a more, "Well, this has been my journey so far" stance, thereby requiring more time -- and effort -- for everybody -- to explain said journey? Usually at that point in the conversation, I look for a distraction. I comment on something the person is wearing, or I ask what they're drinking. Many times I've been know to simply make a beeline for the bar. (Screw whatever they're drinking. They can refill it themselves.)
The truth is, if there was an easy way for me to satisfactorily tell you who I think I am, I would have found it by now. But despite having been rasied on television and radio, and despite having been influenced by the media all my life, and even despite what I consider to be a pretty good ability to slap a sound byte onto just about anything or any situation, I have yet to be able to come up with a reasonable sound byte to describe myself. I guess that's what we have other people for. But I'm not all that eager to hear what my cohorts' soundbytes sound like, because I'm pretty sure they sound negative. They can't help it. My cohorts, that is. God knows the majority of the sound bytes that come out of my mouth are bitchy. Y'think I'm the only one?
On the other hand, there's nothing (or at least, little) my cohorts could or have said about me, however bitchy, that I haven't thought or said about myself. I am my worst critic. Maybe that's why I can't come up with a satisfactory way to introduce myself. Perhaps all that excessive prerequisite introductory information is a crutch of sorts, that I hide behind to keep from presenting myself to the world. I mean, it's not as if I don't expect folks to have some sort of byte ready for me when I ask them about themselves, now is it?
Gee. I guess I see my narcissism and I raise myself one introductory sound byte.
But I'll need some time to reflect on that.
--- end report ---
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